Posted by: Through The K Hole8 January 2016
Dear Sirs in charge of healthcare,
I bet you weren’t expecting that! That’s the sound of the NHS going up in flames.
Mrs S and I have just found out that our great British doctors are going on strike!
I thought it was only coal miners who were allowed to do that but Mrs S said that all the coal miners have given up the shovel and now work for London Underground.
But I digress. Let me get to the meat of the matter. Ever since I washed up in Cornwall with nothing but the shirt on my back, a couple of Kopeks in my pocket and a leather-bound copy of ‘The Definitive History of the Soviet Union’ under my arm (it’s a long story) I’ve been usefully employed by the council as a town planner.
Suffice to say there is now very little I don’t know about planning towns. My wife always says ‘Mr Strugatsky, you never stop talking about town planning’ which makes her laugh so hard that tears of joy run down her cheeks.
But since retiring I’ve been very busy. I’m working on my plans for the ‘ideal town’ and I’ve been building a scale model of Shoreditch in my garage (my neighbour thinks this is a little bit odd because I’ve never set foot in Shoreditch, but who’s he to call me odd. He’s the one that wanders around his back garden in a bee keeping suit even though he only owns a single bee).
As luck would have it I’ve included a diagram of my ideal town for you to have a look at. I call it Strugatopia and the name is copyrighted. I could’ve called it Utopiatsky but that just sounds rubbish.
Please be careful when handling the diagram as it takes years to achieve this sort of draftsmanship and if you follow it carefully all of your problems with the BMA and all of the current ills in society will disappear.
You’ll also notice that I’ve attached my invoice - you didn’t think I was going to give my ideas away for free did you? The monies will help me rebuild part of Shoreditch (the model, not the actual Shoreditch) because a giant cat peed all over it. It wasn’t a giant cat of course, it was Mr Tibbles who used to be our neighbours’ cat. He was a regular sized cat but he looked like a giant cat because the model is really small. I haven’t got enough time to build a life size model of Shoreditch.
I appreciate you are very busy (who isn’t these days, well apart from doctors - aren’t they’re all on strike?) but would you kindly get back to me as soon as you can with the invoice as I really need to buy some glue.
RIP Mr Tibbles (2001-2016)
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh