‘F***ing hell, GPs are witches!’

Pulse's surreal new blog 'Through the K hole' explores the growing threat to society posed by GPs

Speaking in front of a recent select committee, recorded live by the BBC, the Government spokesman for health warned of the growing threat posed to society by GPs.

'Let's be honest they're everywhere now, in every community, on every street corner,' he said.

'They've become completely unregulated. You could be sat next to one on the bus and you wouldn't know it. They've managed to blend in so well that they've even begun to wear hats to hide their pointy ears.'

Asked what the population could do to defend themselves against GPs, he replied: 'The first thing you have to be able to do is recognise one when you see one. They're crafty little f****ers, very devious, but have a good look at their hands. They've got long yellow nails that curl up at the ends and the government has even got some good evidence now that GPs are born with tails.'

'Personally I keep a loaded shot gun in my bedroom so that if one of them sneaks in and tries to inject me I can fill it full of lead before it's even got a chance to unzip its doctors' bag.'

When asked how the Government's White Paper was addressing these issues, he said: 'The other night I was round at the foreign secretary's house watching a Bruce Lee DVD, and at half time we flicked over to a documentary on Channel 5 about witches. I swear to God that we both turned to each other at the exact same time and said f****ing hell, GPs are witches!. After that the white paper was dead easy to write because it all made sense!'

The government spokesman went on to explain that since Shipman and Crippen were both doctors and that since they were also both murderers this naturally meant that all doctors are murderers.

Unfortunately, his broadcast was interrupted by screams coming from the public gallery, as an innocent woman realised she was sitting next to a GP who had managed to sneak past security.