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GP witch-hunt could boost morale

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It’s hoped that a 16th-century-style witch-hunt will boost morale in the NHS.

A spokesman for the department of health says: ‘It’s vitally important that GPs never miss a diagnosis, even when the diagnosis is really really tricky to make. We played around with a few ideas and we’ve sketched out a future in which guilty GPs are forced to parade down the high street, waving a red flag with “I’m a crap doctor” written on it.’

The DH’s decree has the flavour of medieval justice.

So we made our way to the grand gothic vault of the Elvira Council, now based in Croydon and spoke to Abe, a self-proclaimed witch-hunter.  

‘When you think about it,’ says Abe, ‘doctors are just like witches. They heal people, they’ve got X-ray eyes and they don’t need any sleep, which is a bit weird. I used to share a flat with a GP and every night, if she wasn’t making a vegetable curry, she communed with Satan and her eyeballs fell out.

‘I think the time’s now come for the government to get tough with these witch-doctors and deal out some old school justice. But what ministers have to realise is that it’s not all about waving pitch forks and burning stuff, those days are sadly gone. It’s much more subtle than that now.

‘And besides, it’s really easy to make a mistake. Only last week I accidentally burnt a woman to death because she owned an owl.’ 

The idea has been met with opposition from GP front liners: ‘This is a return to the days of fruit-throwing, pond-dunking, crowd-jeering and red hot irons. It’s a bit like the Spanish Inquisition, which, if we’re honest, was far too inquisitive.’ 

Only time will tell if ritually naming and shaming GPs will help retain staff, boost morale and combat the recruitment crisis in primary care. 

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

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Readers' comments (7)

  • sounds too good for us

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  • Things have deteriorated to the point that at first reading I thought this was a genuine Doh idea!

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  • 'It’s a bit like the Spanish Inquisition, which, if we’re honest, was far too inquisitive.’
    - was that the 'robust' response from the BMA?

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  • I dont think the BMA has ever given a robust response!

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  • Una Coales

    Don't worry, 6 years of UK med school at a cost of £100k in student government loans, will price out all future GP witches...

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  • ..why stop after all in porder to prove worthy GP we should be able to live and float with a weight tied down to our legs and thrown into the sea..if we drown we are witches if we float wd are witches ..Salems trial are here to stay it's just thus time no one gives a sh*t

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  • If we had better representation from a group of people (the bma) who at their very best can only shout quietly and a group of people (royal college of gps-spelling without capitals a deliberate mistake) who frankly seem so short sighted they cannot see the wood for the trees and who seem-with the occasional exception-to lose control of their senses, the British public may realise they have"to give a sh*t".So far they are being bombarded by much cleverer and more eloquent newspaper columnists.On the run up to election 2015 our spokespersons have to really go on the offensive otherwise the battle will be lost.

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