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If anyone knows of common sense’s whereabouts, contact us immediately

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We need your help to solve one of the UK’s grizzliest crimes. 

At approximately 3.15pm on Wednesday 12 December, just two weeks before Christmas, two masked men ran into the Department of Health and stole its common sense.

Police have been following up lines of enquiry and have issued a statement to the waiting press: “We have a suspicion that this is an inside job and we were hoping that someone would do us all a favour and just admit to it, but nobody has.

‘Despite some promising leads we’ve now drawn a blank. We know that looking for Common Sense in Britain is like looking for a needle in a hay stack so we appeal to all members of the public to remain vigilant.’

When asked what common sense looks like the officer in charge said: ‘Imagine a  life-like waxwork of Jeremy Hunt, have you got that? Good. Now imagine the exact opposite.’

Kerry, an unreliable witness and fussy mother of three said: ‘It all happened in front of me. Common sense was dragged out of the Department of Health, beaten, gagged and bungled into the back of a fiat before being driven off at high speed. In my panic I didn’t manage to get a description of the drivers or the registration number of the car, but I did notice that it needed a jolly good clean.’

It’s believed that the abductors then drove through Knightsbridge before disappearing entirely. Police can reveal that since the incident both ‘good will’ and ‘compassion’ have been given false identities and re-housed somewhere in the north.  

If anyone knows of Common Sense’s whereabouts, please contact us immediately.

But on no account should you approach any government minister wearing anything that looks even remotely like a woolly mask.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen

Readers' comments (4)

  • superb.

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  • To locate Common Sense you'll have to look in the most obvious place - in GP surgeries up and down the land. Common Sense's abductors have probably divided it up, cunningly, into fragments, a little to each GP, hoping no-one will find it. Only if every GP comes together with one voice, and their share,will it be possible to reconstitute the Common Sense that might save the NHS

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  • Do you mean Commons Sense if so don't look to the Palace of Wesminster or the NCB

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  • Common Sense Rest in Peace

    Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucracy and red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn’t always fair and maybe it really was my fault.

    Common Sense lived by simple sound financial policies, don’t spend more than you can earn and reliable strategies such as adults not children should be in charge. His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six year old boy being charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate, teen suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student only worsened his condition.

    Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their ill behaved children. It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

    Common Sense took a beating when it was decided that you couldn’t defend yourself from a burglar in you own house and the burglar could sue you for assault.

    Common Sense began to lose the will to live as criminals received better treatment than their victims.

    Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot, she spilt a little in her lap and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

    Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents Truth and Trust, by his wife Discretion, by his daughter Responsibility and by his son Reason. He is survived by his four step brothers, I know my Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else is to Blame, and I’m a Victim.

    Not many attended his funeral because so few realised Common Sense was gone if you still remember him pass this on if not join the majority and do nothing.

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