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Let's put the boot on the other foot

We would like to present MPs and ministers with a proposed new contract.

First, we will be awarding 1,050 points based on approximately 150 quality targets including those relating to access to your MP surgeries and feedback questionnaires that you need to put into action for the general population. Others will include phased targets in education, the economy, law and order, health, foreign policy and defence and other domestic issues. To stop them focusing heavily on certain areas there will be a weighting for meeting holistic targets across all target areas.

Each ministry will receive a 'global sum' to cover staff and other expenses and this will be weighted according to a new formula that will take into account out-of-date census data and rough calculations based on broad assumptions on the type of people you are dealing with and the complexity of your work.

This will be worked out by a boffin with no real experience of your type of work and is likely to be deeply flawed. However, you will get a ball-park figure and it's only your livelihood at stake.

At present we can say that there will be some preparation money to improve infrastructure and thereby quality standards. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to give you an exact figure.

Quality payments will be based on the points scored as well as those hoped for. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to give you an exact figure.

Your pension scheme has been fully 'dynamised' ­ if you manage to earn more you will get a better pension. Unfortunately, we are not in a position to give you an exact figure.

As more and more problems arise such as terrorism, health and education issues, we will no longer be forcibly allocating these problems to you. Instead we will 'reassign' them to your immediate manager who will probably not have any idea of how to deal with the problem.

If you happen to work in an outlying or rural area, we have not had the time or motivation to deal with your problems.

Other factual information has been kept from you in order that you make an informed decision by a week on Tuesday. Is that all right?

Dr Minesh Patel

East Grinstead

West Sussex

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