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Jobhunter looks into his crystal ball and sees a change of name looming for 'freelance' GPs

Jobhunter has been given a glimpse into the crystal ball and can reveal all the news that won't be fit to print in 2005.

January

Government releases White Paper 'A New Year ­ A New Plan' (ANYANP). Every man, woman and dog in Britain is to be given their own family physician who will follow them around giving health advice. When asked how many extra GPs will be required, The Official Estimator says 'a lot'. Hamish Meldrum, interviewed at the launch of National Porridge Week, says: 'It'll take a lot more than that.'

February

The sessional GPs sub-committee announces that hereafter, freelance GPs are to be called GPs without Principals to avoid them being confused with medical journalists. Government announces Tony Blair will personally fund ANYANP by selling one of his armchairs. Out-of-hours services investigation launched when John Prescott fails to obtain medical attention after stubbing his toe on a pie.

March

The GPC announces that the number of new GP posts created since the launch of ANYAMP falls far short of the Government's target of 'a lot'. GPC estimates are nearer 'not many' plus or minus 10 per cent.

April

Government announces employer's national insurance contributions will be increased to 54 per cent. Central funding will be supplied to refund GPs, but PCTs will be allowed to lose this in their deficits.

May

David Dickinson buys Tony Blair's armchair for £1 and describes it as 'cheap as chips'. Government announces it will fund shortfall by cutting GP training posts. London deanery explodes with rage, and is taken to University College Hospital, where it has to be rebuilt by cosmetic stone masons.

June

Nine Spanish GPs employed to help deliver ANYANP go missing in Manchester. Police find them at Manchester Royal Infirmary, where they have been captured and forced to work in the A&E department.

Government announces that Performers List will now be known as the NHS Performers List after protests from Equity.

July

The sessional GPs sub-committee announces that hereafter, GPs without Principals will be known as GPs without Portfolio, to avoid confusion with Portfolio GPs.

Out-of-hours investigation report concludes 'several more GPs need to be employed to reach Carson standards'. Hamish Meldrum replies: 'It'll take a lot more than that.'

August

Someone falls over in a fountain.

September

The nine Spanish GPs return to Spain, taking 10 English GPs with them.

October

Government announces 'war against ageism' campaign. As a gesture it is employing retired GPs to stock shelves in the Department of Health stationery store.

November

The sessional GPs sub-committee announces that hereafter it is to be known as the sub-committee of sessional GPs to avoid confusion.

December

Government leak draft of White Paper 'A New Plan ­ A New Year' (ANPANY). Every GP will have to legally adopt one patient. Hamish Meldrum explodes with rage. Laurence Buckman, an innocent bystander, is taken to the Royal Free suffering from indignancy.

He is later released into the wild.

Dr Laurence Knott is a GP in Enfield

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