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CAMHS won't see you now

let'spractisein...Bristol

At last ­ a TV channel that caters exclusively for the needs of jobhunters!

Here's the line-up of the instructive programmes today on Jobhunter TV

9am News Jobhunting news from around the world, today's sessional rates, plus a special report from the European Employment Law conference in Geneva.

9.25am Weather Do you need to take a brolly to that interview?

9.30am Good Morning, Jobhunters! Mike Media, Britain's favourite TV doc, joins our regular presenters on the sofa, for no particular reason.

10am Killjoy Doctors suffering from Job Interview Dependency Syndrome are interrogated by an orange man.

11am Flog It! Dr Jim needs to raise cash for a deposit on a spirometer. Antiques dealer Mark Mahogany scours the doctor's bag and unearths a Georgian patella hammer, an art deco British National Formulary, and a bottle of amoxicillin dated 1902.

12noon Ground Farce Darling Chimmock helps a workaholic GP to cover her entire garden with concrete.

2-4pm Junior Jobhunters TV Flipsy, Flapsy and Flopsy go to medical school.

4pm Miss Maples A salaried doctor disappears from a locked consulting room. When an entire police force and a team of forensic experts fail to find him, an old lady is called in to help.

5pm Doc Idle GPs who have not worked for 10 years audition before a panel of judges, chaired by Simon Nasty. The lucky winner is awarded a contract with a major PMS practice.

6pm Scars In Their Eyes Cataract surgery for ophthalmic GPwSIs.

6.30pm It Shouldn't Happen to A Locum Z-list celebrities tell boring anecdotes about sessional GPs they have encountered in the past.

7pm You've Been Framed! Rib-tickling videos of GPs caught on camera doing unethical things. £250 paid for every video shown. Remember ­ don't do anything negligent, unless you're being framed!

8pm I'm a Jobhunter....Get Me Out Of Here! Eight GPs are helicoptered into an encampment on a council estate. While there they have to take part in various Bushtucker Trials including chewing (and swallowing!) a sandwich provided by a drug rep, crawl through a waiting room of heartsink patients, and lie in a pit writhing with clinical governance leads.

9pm Only Fools Take Courses Sitcom about a wacky group of doctors who spend their lives taking exams, but can't seem to get a job.

9.30pm Derrick Morden's Laughter File Derrick opens his file of hilarious outtakes culled from CCTV footage of non-principal GPs let loose in minor operating theatres. Classics include Brachial Artery Injection, Lung Puncture and the ever-popular Radial Nerve Division.

10pm Scarlett Fever (cert 18) Dr Kathy Scarlett, an innocent young graduate, arrives for a session at the Castle Practice, run by Dr Acula and his evil manager Velma Vampira. Kathy is seduced into a world of corruption, depravity and inadequate post-payment verification checks. (Locums may find some scenes disturbing).

12am Open University Module 13: Preparing A Response To The GMC.

Dr Laurence Knott is a GP in Enfield

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