And the Health Lord called unto Jobhunter. And verily he did say unto him...
Follow these, my commandments, and thy career will be long and happy. Stray from them, and thou couldst end up filling the shelves in Tesco.
· Thou shalt have no other employer but thine own. Moonlighteth not, nor burneth the candle at both ends, lest thou incur the wrath of the European Court of Working Time.
· Thou shalt not make a graven image of thine employer, nor any senior PCT manager, nor use said image as a dartboard. It isn't big, and it isn't clever.
· Thou shalt not bow down to drug reps, not even those touting trips to Berlin, solicitors offering 'incentives', nor private consultants suggesting split fees.
· Thou shalt not take thine employer's name in vain, nor forge it on a cheque, for no matter how carefully thou covers thy tracks thou wilt do porridge in the Big House.
· Seven days shalt thou labour, and on the seventh day shalt thou also catch up on thy paperwork, play Mummies and Daddies, and wash the pile of crockery that has stacked up in the sink over the week, yea verily even unto the dish with bits of hard gravy upon it.
· Honour thy employer that their days may be long upon this earth. Leave little gifts in their consulting room, bring them coffee and don't forget birthdays. Hassle them not nor incur their wrath or they will have a myocardial infarction and then where wilt thou be?
· Thou shalt not kill thy patients, not for their inheritance nor even out of pity for those that wear the baseball caps of Burberry. Heed not these words and thou wilt have thy name struck off the register of the Council of Medical Generals and splashed all over the Daily Mail.
· Thou shalt not commit adultery with thy patients, thy employer's spouse, nor thy employer's mistress, unless it is in some faraway place and thou remembers to use thy mobile phone and not to receive calls directly in thine room.
· Thou shalt not steal thine employer's stethoscope, nor their National Formulary of Britain, nor anything that is thine employer's not even accidentally 'borrow' it and forget to put it back.
· Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy employer, nor blow the whistle to anyone who comes snooping, unless thou hast rock-solid proof that that bottle of whisky in the bottom drawer really is thine employer's.
· Thou shalt not covet thy employer's Mercedes, nor their villa in Marbella, nor their spacious tastefully furnished four-bedroom des res with original wooden floors, for they have toiled long and hard to acquire these possessions as indeed wilt thou acquire them, Q&O willing.
And Jobhunter said: 'Lord, I will do my best, but Thou art asking a lot of me.'
And the Health Lord responded: 'Thou ain't seen nothing yet. Come back when the White Paper on Public Health's been published and I'll give thee another 15.'
Dr Laurence Knott is a GP in Enfield