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NHS England doesn't understand Christmas

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A leading team of experts have confirmed that NHS England is some kind of lunatic robot which doesn’t understand Christmas.

‘We were granted unprecedented access to NHS England,’ says one expert ‘and we were able to ask it all sorts of questions to see if it had human qualities like empathy, a sense of humour or the unfailing urge to dance to Cotton Eye Joe at weddings.  To be honest we were shocked by some of its replies.

‘We started off by asking it some simple questions like where are we now? And what kind of day have you had? But it just laughed at us and called us all pathetic. It even started to make fun of my sweater. When I explained that it had been a present from my dead wife it just laughed even harder and had a look of cold brutality in its eyes.

‘But when we asked it about doctors finishing early on Christmas Eve it went into a terrifying rant: “Every year you humans have celebrations, like birthdays and Christmas and Easter, which have got something to do with chocolate. But these days are exactly the same as any other day! I suggest we ban them, set fire to Santa and bin Christmas”.’

If GPs clock off early on Christmas Eve, NHS England has threatened to arm itself with a laser cannon and return naked to the 1980’s. Oh hang on that was just a film I saw.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

Readers' comments (10)

  • " If GPs clock off early on Christmas Eve, NHS England has threatened to arm itself with a laser cannon and return naked to the 1980’s. Oh hang on that was just a film I saw". Has to be the best line of the morning!!!

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  • Where is Vinci Ho when you need him?

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  • these make my day! never fail to get a chuckle...

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  • What time will NHS England be finishing work on Christmas Eve ???

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  • What time will NHS England be clocking off for the festive season? Methinks last working day Friday 20th December finish at lunchtime down the pub. And first working day probably January 6th 2014

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  • If they jump, we ask how high. We are just a bunch of ninnies. When will the GPC ballot to see if any GP wishes to stay with the NHS. Is it not time to leave and plough our own furrow ? At least, like all private enterprise, we stand or fall depending on how much we are needed. I know I do not wish to go the way of the USA where you can go bankrupt if you fall ill or get no care at all, but this kind of behaviour from NHS England we tolerate at our increasing peril.

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  • I found the best time of the year was working Christmas Eve. Nobody comes into surgery without some very authentic reason. One is spared an extra afternoon and early evening from the overpowering presence of the visiting family who are going to make your life miserable and drink your cabinets dry over the next few days anyway. Volunteer to work Christmas Eve and have some peace at Christmas - it really is worth while.

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  • I have no problem working Christmas Eve and New Years Eve & I hope that NHS England will be doing the same. I might just phone them up to check and I will let you all know what happened when I did!

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  • honestly, I work in NHS England and we are not all robots. I was previously a nurse, worked in MH and LD as well as general practice. I am registered both disabled and care for an autistic son.. humour is the only thing that keeps me going.
    Personally as long as arrangements are in place I don't see the issue with sub contracting arrangements, my only concern would be access to such services for those who do not drive and come from a rural community. However, professionally we are one NHS England and have to follow national lead for equity, irrelevant of how ludicrous that may appear to be on occasion.
    Also on a personal note, I worked on Christmas eve uyntil 5.30 and only reason I left then was because the building was closing, being a little short of festive cheer this year I also worked on boxing day and the Monday bank holiday. I was not alone as I was getting emails from both colleagues and GP practice managers... I thinkwe can safely say we all care about the NHS, I cant comment on everyones understanding of it.

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  • You could have called me, not one call received all day Christmas Eve and no email after 16.16 either, until 26 December at least. In our area we had agreed on the October letter that was issued and contracts for sub contracting were already in place so too late to implement the very late letter of the 22nd December.

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