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Patient admits only wanting Gabas to get off their tits

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Man in Glasgow finally admits: ‘I only want Gabas so I can get off my tits.’

I’d tried every trick in the book

'I tried all my usual tactics,’ says patient, ’I went to a doc I’d never seen before, shook her hand, drew up my chair so that I was uncomfortably close to her and said that she looked like a really caring person.

'I told her that I had a shooting pain in my arm and a tingling feeling in my hand, when that didn’t impress her I explained how, for the past ten years, I’d suffered burning pains in my left leg and mad shooting pains down my right and that nothing I’d ever tried had ever worked.  I even pinched my leg to show her how numb it was. 

'When she offered me amitriptyline I said I’d had it before and that it caused horrible side effects, the same was true of imipramine, duloxetine, nortriptyline, lidocaine patches and capsaicin. It was also true of acupuncture, dry needling, light exercise and yoga. And no I couldn’t possibly wait for months to be seen in the pain clinic. I was in agony, what was I supposed to do in the mean time? I’ve come for your help, I said, I’m not some kind of junkie you know. 

'I told her if I took any more time off work I could lose my job. I asked her if she really wanted me to lose my job? I explained that I wasn’t able to pick up my two-year-old son any more and that I couldn’t even carry my dear ma’s coffin at her funeral. At which point I asked for a tissue. 

‘I’d tried every trick in the book but she wasn’t giving an inch, so I threw away the tissue and said "look doc, smack is really expensive and my life is really shit. I just want some Gabas because they make me feel better. What do you say?" She was so taken aback with my refreshing honesty that she prescribed them for me.’

Professor Candid, addictions expert and author of ‘I can’t remember what they’re called but they’re the only thing that works,’ says: ‘Some peoples’ drizzle soaked miserable lives aren’t worth living. They’re the colour of tape worms pickled in the Jeremy-Kyle light of oversized plasma screens. And they don’t even have any teeth. If they want to get high by snorting Gabas on a Friday night then what’s really wrong with that?’

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Readers' comments (16)

  • Very very funny..and true!

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  • Mr Mephisto

    Ah sunny Jockland. It takes me back to my trainee days. Surgeries rammed with drug addicts and social problems and that was the GP's. As for the customers - well! "O Flower of Scotland, When will we see. Your like again". With the rain coming down sideways and the constant drone of bagpipes in the distance can you really blame the populous for wanting to spend their lives in drug addled oblivion. God bless gabapentin - it preferable to its erstwhile alternative - heroin.

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  • Mr Mephisto

    Don't forget "Train Spotting" has long been misconstrued as fiction when it should really be viewed as a documentary (directed by an English man of course).

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  • Some people have a very warped sense of humour. I'm not one of them !

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  • John Glasspool

    This comment has been removed by the moderator.

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  • Mr Mephisto

    I'm sure that's why this column is called "Through The K Hole". The K Hole is a catatonic state induced by Ketamine - you know the stuff that was developed as a horse tranquilizer that the Scots like to sprinkle on their cornflakes washed down with a large pint of Heavy (Scottish for beer).

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  • I never know about gabbas til I came to Canada. The native folk love it along with co-codamol and nitrazepam and they usually ask for all 3. Good stuff cos the mental health billing code pays better than the standard one so the cynical might say it encourages some docs to give it and get the repeat.

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  • Why do people actively seek articles or programmes which are known to be alternative in their humour, then claim to be offended by their content. It's dead easy really. Just avoid them?

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  • Mr Mephisto

    Smackdown. Celebrity Death Match - June Greaves vs John Glasspool. Bring it on.

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