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CAMHS won't see you now

RCGP admits: Australia isn’t real

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The Royal College has finally admitted that Australia isn’t real.

Australia, a land brimming with sunshine and relentlessly happy people, offers hope to thousands of UK doctors each year.

But it seems that the reality is much more sinister.

‘It all started innocently enough,’ says a Royal College spokesperson.

‘We recognised that there was a bit of a dip in morale and so we made up Australia to give doctors something to aim for.

‘We made up impossible animals like the ‘kangaroo’ and spread rumours about cork-based headgear and magic bendy sticks thrown by people called Shane.

‘It was a bit like Narnia, except that everyone’s name ended in ‘O’. We never thought people would believe it, but when they actually wanted to go we had to think of alternatives.’

The alternative was a basement flat in Croydon and we managed to speak one of the lucky survivors.

‘One minute I was clutching my passport,’ says ‘Katie’. ‘The next thing I knew, I had been bundled into the back of a van and driven here.

‘I spent the next few years forced to work 18-hour shifts for NHS24. I was photoshopped drinking piss-weak lager while cuddling a koala bear, when in reality I was hugging another captive who was wearing a really fluffy jumper.

‘The fact that they called it Oz should have given me a clue as to whether it was real or not.’

After squeezing through a crack in the wall, Katie made a bid for freedom.

She urges anyone thinking of moving to Australia to watch the Chronicles Of Narnia films first.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh

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Readers' comments (13)

  • what do you mean the Ashes weren't ...... Nooo

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  • got to be better than working for the despot hunt

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  • I don't believe this! There is no way the RCGP would bother doing anything to make us feel better but I have some suspicions about "Canada".

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  • This is not true!!!Desperate attempt by RCGP.I don't trust RCGP at all.

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  • Sara Harvey

    Out here in the sticks, we're not even sure that you can actually get to what they call London - we hear there are GPs there who want a job....

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  • does this mean Jason and Kylie were never real!!

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  • Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
    There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
    Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
    And the dreams that you dare to dream,
    Really do come true.

    Someday I'll wish upon a star
    And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
    Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
    High above the chimney tops,
    That's where you'll find me.

    Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
    Birds fly over the rainbow
    Why then, oh why can't I?
    If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
    Why, oh why can't I?


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  • ...ahhh but I know New Zealand exists - RCGP wouldn't have dreamt up the all blacks

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  • Anything is a dream, I suppose, compared to the nightmare of the NHS

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  • New zealand is real otherwise we would not have the Lord of the Rings films

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  • Anonymous anonymously antagonised an aussiesmus

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  • From a Full time GP/Practice Owner in Perth, Oz..... don't worry.... Just wait awhile. Australia has the unbelievably annoying habit of watching EVERYTHING you did in the UK twenty years ago, and copying it. e.g. that which sapped morale, made providers the fundholder too, cheapened the profession, pandered to "consumer" demand, commoditized GPs down to a unit of service, AND, plain didn't work...... It will be like the NHS in 10 years anyway I fear. Then any UK trained docs will want to go home again ....... but hey the weather's better!

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  • If a lot of GPs had the vision and dared to move to Australia or elsewhere, the NHS would improve..Action is better than words.

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