Red alert

The only chance to save humanity is to create a Lansleyless universe, in the latest post from Through the K hole

The new health bill ushers in the most comprehensive programme of reforms since the NHS was created over 60 years ago. With PCTs rapidly dissolving and with GPs forming themselves into consortia the white paper is gaining a clear momentum; and like a boulder rolling downhill it appears unstoppable. As a result the country has been put on red alert and Britain's top scientists convened to look at ways of averting disaster.

A leading scientist speaks out: 'I think it's fair to say that Lansley's ideas are now out of control.'

'We've been monitoring the situation very carefully over the past few months and it appears that he's gone into partial meltdown. Particles, known as Lansleytrons, have been found as far away as Norway and when he sets off on his nationwide listening exercise I strongly urge you to lock your children indoors and for God's sake don't let them drink any milk.'

'His radioactive rhetoric poses a serious threat to human health. Last week, in order to prevent him reaching critical mass we pumped him full of sea water and sealed his holes with polyfilla but that just seemed to enrage him even more; he screamed "any willing provider" over and over and now insists on being called the Medical Furher.'

In a public opinion poll more than half of those surveyed about the new reforms said: 'Imagine inviting a buffoonery of orangutans to an all-you-can-snort buffet and then handing them the keys to the NHS whilst you f**k off on holiday….that would be organised compared to this sh*t.'

The scientists go on to explain: 'Here at the Aneurin Bevan reactor we realised that the only chance to save humanity is to create a Lansleyless universe which we hope will expand and ultimately envelop our own. What we're doing here is cutting edge, it's completely revolutionary and in many ways it's a sexier version of the Manhattan Project. Oh sweet Lord, I do hope a lady is reading this.'

'Our first attempt didn't go to well, using high energy particles and a cyclotron, which Steve from stores got us on the cheap, we failed to create a parallel universe but we did manage to conjure up the ghost of a post-war labour politician. He seemed to be genuinely pissed off with what was happening to the NHS and he scared the bejesus out of us on night shift so we had to suspend operations and shut down the reactor.'

'Our next attempt was equally fruitless and because of a slight miscalculation we managed to transform all known life-forms into Andrew Lansley. Imagine a giant wasp head stapled onto the body of an unspeakable crab; that only goes part of the way to explain the inexplicable horror.'

'However, if you look into our electron microscope you will now see an area of densely folded space-time, we believe that this represents an alternative Lansleyless universe.'

'What do you mean you can't see it!……Oh sh*t!….…Where's it gone?'

Lord Smythe, Regius Professor of Scientific Studies says: 'Lansley needs professional help, but has anyone thought about punching him in the nuts?'

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen