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The Daily Mail despises everything in the known universe

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The Daily Mail despises everything in the known universe, even the bits you can’t see, it has emerged. 

The Mail, like a papery Richard III, has an extensive hate-list which includes foreigners, foreign money, foreigners with money, foreign doctors and defenceless kittens playing with balls of wool, but only if they’re foreign.  

‘We’ve moved on from hating GPs,’ says one insider, ‘nailing the medical profession to the cross with poor journalism and dubious ethics is so yesterday. We’ve set ourselves a new challenge: hating things which aren’t really there.

‘That  tunnel in CERN winds me up for a start. Did you know it contains absolutely nothing, not even a vacuum! And don’t even get me started on dark matter. We hate “nothing” because nothing doesn’t pay any taxes.’ 

It’s also rumoured that the paper has begun to hate abstract concepts like ‘shame’, some common English words like ‘doctor’ and even some simple shapes.

Our source added: ‘We’ve particularly got it in for triangles which are blatantly just half a square.’

In an ironic twist of fate there’s rumour that the paper has even begun to hate itself.

A media expert says: ‘If the Daily Mail were a person he’d put a hood over his head, pick up his bag of dead kittens and spend all night skulking through the dark sewers of your mind.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

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Readers' comments (7)

  • Although it's part of the currency of Pulse Contributors to rubbish The Daily Mail, it would be sobering to think why do so many people hold the views which GPs dismiss as cretinism and bigotry

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  • Trying to make sense or defend the daily mail @8.41?
    If we all sobered up when confronted by people with views that contrast with ours we'd all be living a dry life.

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  • @8:41, these aren't views held by so many people; just views held (or at least, claimed) by the Daily Wail. Nobody actually believes the rag... no-one who can count aloud, anyway.

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  • John Glasspool

    An Example: my late Mother in Law was a lifelong Labour voter yet bought the DM because she THOUGHT it was a Labour paper.

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  • Poor deluded pulse contributors-> People believe the Daily Mail, buy it, read it and spout it. There's also the Times 's Alice double-barrel couldn't be bothered to research what GPs do opinion piece and the Torygraph regulaly who report about GPs in a crap light. Worst of all the is the BBC, but it's their silence that is shocking.

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  • To be fair all of the media hates GPs - even Poly Toynbee (Guardian)

    The problem is that the right wing press hates the NHS and sees GPs on 'high' salaries as the last barrier to privatisation that's why they are focusing on us. Why should we get a 'six' figure salary of tax payers money. They conveniently forget about all the other money the government wastes on non-productive areas eg Lord Howe.

    The left hates us as they think as the NHS is a socialist model then GPs should set an example and be a good socialist and work for bread only. They conveniently forget about the good examples set by Blair, Mandelson etc

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  • Basically the press and the politicians are upset that we are, objectively, cleverer, more highly valued and significantly more trusted than they are.

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