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The essential doctor’s bag for 2015

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This QOF year, why not take us up on our great new offer and order a fully equipped doctors’ bag at a fraction of the cost?

This great deal includes:

1 x Tuscany leather doctors bag (burgundy or black)

1 x Littmann stethoscope Navy Blue (MRSA-positive)

1 x 2002 edition of the BNF (good condition)

1 x 10kg of NICE/SIGN guidance (unread)

1 x half eaten sandwich (prawn or tuna) + 1 tablet Gaviscon

25 x drug-sponsored pens (one working) and matching erectile dysfunction snowglobe

1 x proctoscope (to be inserted only if annoyed)

3 ½ tongue depressors (unwrapped, possibly used)

1 x mystery rubber glove

Detritus (hair-based)

1 x attack alarm, spit mask, pepper spray, dog chain (for home visits)

1 x resignation letter (pre-signed)

1 x suicide note and envelope (addressed to loved one, just in case)

 

As you can see, this generous package includes everything the modern doctor could possibly need.

If you place your order today, we’ll also throw in a fully functioning Pulse oximeter. And when was the last time you saw one of them?

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

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Readers' comments (11)

  • Class Kev, but I will try and resist your wonderful offer as I've just been handed 3 of theses in the last 6 months!........

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  • Brilliant! as ever, thanks for that

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  • i like it
    thanks

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  • Nice. You forgot the feedback forms/loo roll substitute.

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  • v.v.funny!!!!!!!!! blog of the week I reckon

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  • You forgot the vaseline for the annual contract shafting.

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  • missing items -

    4 x CQC-compliant tigerstripe refuse sacks together with laminated "which bag do i use?" easy reference card.

    1 x copy of the 1934 "Hurrah for the Blackshirts" edition of the Daily Mail with which to beat your most blinkered of patient during their weekly row about statins.

    1 x index card covered in useful phone numbers from days gone by. Like the District Nurse, a friendly paediatrician, the eye clinic, all of whom used to give good advice when needed. Now one number left - 999.

    1 x car park pass for the local hospital (expired).

    1 x unopened tick remover acquired during registrar training " because you never know" Not much use in central Leeds.

    1 x Pap smear, glass slide and black lead pencil for instructional use in medical student teaching. Or the Antiques Roadshow.

    2 x hefty stones for throwing at the upstairs windows to wake the slumbering patient who requested a home visit for a dental abscess and absolutely couldn't make it to surgery despite the gleaming BMW on the drive.

    5 x PR Voltarol. For back pain. And revenge, where necessary.

    1 x idiots guide to the ECG. No, me neither.

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  • How about a full set of boiler engineers tools for servicing central heating systems?

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  • A copy of the daily mail for company?

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  • I have a rectal thermometer for for those who request home visits for "fever so bad that they cant get out of bed" (and not taken paracetamol).
    Also PR mandatory for back pain home visits- WITHOUT LUBRICANT ( I done carry lubricants!) to rule out cauda equina syndrome.
    Our surgery home visits have dropped tremendously with these since I joined, also helped by the fact some OOH doctors laugh when some of our patients request home visit OOH eg for nits in head!!!
    The best one was an elderly gentleman who could "not see anything" and didn't want to call ambulance. His bulb was fused and changing it (by myself on home visit) helped!

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