This site is intended for health professionals only

At the heart of general practice since 1960

Too many willies

Geoff has been seeing too many penises of late and he's getting a bit peed off with it

Geoff has been seeing too many penises of late and he's getting a bit peed off with it

There have been far too many willies in my life of late. Now, I don't mind the odd lump, bump, or tenderness. I positively welcome a bit of discharge. But these two that I'm thinking of poked me right over the edge.

The first chap was decidedly odd from the moment he crossed the threshold. With a flourish he produced a urine pot from his pocket with the announcement "I'm not a doctor, but that doesn't look right to me." When I frowned in disagreement then proceeded to find bugger all on dipstick he cycled through a gamut of complaints. Ultimately he said that his buttocks were getting bigger and his penis was shrinking and could I have a look?

I'm usually not quite so slow on the uptake. This time, though, it was only at that point that I realised that each complaint he had gone through was an attempt to get a genital exam. I therefore called in a chaperone (and you should have seen the look on her face when she saw it was a man!). Now this threw him. A few moments later as he was pulling his trousers up he explained that he didn't like coming to the doctors. He apologised and said he had taken the afternoon off because of this and perhaps he should have a note to take tomorrow off as well?

I think that the look on my face translated effectively into "Taking time off work because you have a big arse is not justified." He certainly didn't ask again. And you know what? The woman who helped came back a few minutes later. She reported that looking carefully at the notes revealed that he did this same thing with minor variations every few months. This has resulted in a bright red, made to order warning sign whenever his notes come up.

Now the second chap was even more remarkable. He came loping in with a slightly older, slightly larger woman in tow. As she explained, she was there purely to interpret for him. It didn't take long. She said that it was his belief that his, "How you say…pehnis? Is too small."

One quick examination later and I was able to reassure him through her that what he had was adequate. As if it couldn't get any more bizarre, a rapid stream of his language to her resulted in her, slightly blushing, interpretation: "E wanns to know if he can geht it med bigger on the NHS."

Had I had my wits about me I would have said "Penis enlargement? Well, no. But in your case we'll consider a brain transplant."

Geoff Tipper

Rate this article 

Click to rate

  • 1 star out of 5
  • 2 stars out of 5
  • 3 stars out of 5
  • 4 stars out of 5
  • 5 stars out of 5

0 out of 5 stars

Have your say