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I have seen it all now.

I thought that day had passed when the man with the prosthetic testicle came in asking to be referred back to urology for a replacement one to be fitted. The history he gave was hazy, but seemed to involve a rugby club party, a bottle of vodka and the aforementioned plastic gonad being slammed in a fridge door.

It appears now though, that the man with the flat ball was merely a supporting act to the main event, in this endless and increasingly unbelievable variety show that is general practice.

A mother came in with her child and a letter from the school, which stated that the child had had a swollen eye and would not be allowed back to school until the GP had done some allergy tests. I will add at this point the child had been seen by one of my colleagues the previous week and successfully treated for an eyelid infection.

I held back a stream of expletives that would have made a Glaswegian docker blush until the patient had left the room, but I did write a letter for them to take to the school. It informed whom it may concern that the child is fit to attend school and it is up to doctors not teachers to decide if and what medical investigations a child may need.

That’s one of the good things about getting older, you care less what you say. That and being able to wear comfy pants, so I’m told.

If however, lay people advising on matters outside their field of expertise is to become a trend, then I guess it will apply both ways? If so I will be writing to several schools to give advice on how they might like to teach the national curriculum.

Firstly a biology lesson: Viruses and bacteria are both very small but only bacteria are killed by antibiotics.

Secondly an English lesson: Prostrate means to lie flat, prostate is a gland in the male body.

Thirdly theoretical physics: In outer space, travelling near to the speed of light, ten minutes may indeed be a lifetime. However, in a seat in my consulting room, ten minutes is just enough to deal with one problem.

Dr David Turner is a GP in west London

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Readers' comments (4)

  • Chronic- refers to the duration of symptoms, not their intensity or effect they have on you.

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  • Home economics. Wash powder cleans clothes not causing rashes.

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  • The adjective for pus is Purulent, not pussy

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  • Sharp does not mean bad in reference to pain.
    Dizzy only refers to roational vertigo or lightheadedness not tired a headache being out of breath or anything else ha ha.

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