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CAMHS won't see you now

My 2017 prediction: Practices will start offering kitty the snip

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In line with the Government’s mantra that ‘GPs are ideally placed to provide (insert: anything you like)’ the new year will see the launch of the first ‘one stop’ surgeries.

Self check-out tills will be installed next to self check-in screens

From 2017 GPs will not only be expected to provide all health care previously undertaken in now defunct community clinics, from nail cutting to dental extractions, but as we are trained in the ‘holistic model’ of care it is only seen as natural we should cater for all of our patients’ needs.

In the spirit of ‘working smarter’ patients requiring both chiropody and dental treatment will be signposted to  new windowless side booths off the main waiting area, where molar drilling technicians will attend to their tooth decay, while simultaneously, foot care assistants will deal with their corns and callosities. All such support staff will have been fully trained with the minimum of a six week on-line learning module from the University of Western Samoa and will be closely supervised by fully qualified dentists and podiatrists only a phone call away in Bangalore.

Waiting room seating will be removed to make way for shelving which will be stocked with a wide variety of groceries and self check-out tills will be installed next to self check-in screens. Receptionists will of course be on hand to deal with any ‘unexpected items in bagging area’ when they are not answering the phones and registering new patients.

Practices will be expected to clearly display their complaints policy regarding any mislabelled 2 for 1 offers and mandatory training in retail management will be provided to practice managers to ensure they have the appropriate skill set to deal with ordering, returns and stock rotation.

Pet ownership has been proven to have positive health benefits and indeed many patients treat their dogs as an equal member of their family. To this end, NHS England will be taking the bold step of modifying the GP appraisal process to allow family doctors to undertake online learning modules from the Royal College of Veterinary Surgeons.

Naturally GPs will only be expected to undertake veterinary medical procedures they are competent to perform, but as a spokesman for NHS England will be heard to commment: ‘If they are gloved up anyway, expressing a dog’s anal glands is no more difficult than doing a prostate check.’

Dr David Turner is a GP in west London

Read more of Pulse bloggers’ light-hearted looks ahead to 2017 all week

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Readers' comments (2)

  • My predictions for 2017:

    Paul Dacre to be made new CEO of the NHS after Simon Stevens mysteriously disappears on a long walk with Mark Carney.

    President Trump announces that he "just knows" that HIV is an elaborate conspiracy cooked up by the liberal elite, and appoints a commission led by the Westboro Baptist Church to investigate.

    After declaring there is no better time to be a GP, Dr Maureen Baker announces that she is leaving medicine to focus on a new venture manufacturing EU flags in Kent.

    Jeremy Hunt launches a new push to prevent Dementia in the elderly - by cleverly lowering life expectancy to ensure no one reaches old age.

    Drug companies are forced to deny any association with a leaked document suggesting a Hba1c of more than 30 should warrant a compulsory insulin pump and a ration book.

    Capita announce that 2017 will be a "transformational year", before announcing that patient records for 40,000 patients are on a Tanker bound for Malawi "they think".

    NHS Pensions are forced into a hurried denial after a undercover TV crew video staff admitting "we just make it up, really".

    Merry Christmas

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  • That made me laugh. I'm already doing it !

    I save myself £24 a time at the vets. Gloves are free from the surgery. George always does look a bit surprised at the time.

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