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A faulty production line

Parental care to be regulated by the QCQ

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A leaked memo today has revealed that the three government departments of health, education and work/pensions are combining to create a new regulatory body. The Quality Care Quango, QCQ, which will be answerable to the Cabinet Office, will be the new regulator of parental care. Partly funded by the three departments, the shortfall will be made up through a mandatory levy on all parents for the privilege of being inspected.

We could think of no other way to keep vast swathes of the population subjugated, miserable and on their toes

The new parenting inspections will thoroughly examine all aspects of measurable parenting, from the number of parenting books on shelves, to a tidiness rating of kitchens, living rooms, bathrooms and bedrooms. Advance carpet sampling techniques will be able to ascertain how often they have been hoovered in the preceding four months. Parents will be given two weeks’ notice of their inspection. In order to judge whether parents have the requisite knowledge to carry out their role they will be expected to have created policies for a wide range of potential parenting scenarios, from a cut knee and poorly tummy to waking with nightmares and school refusal. Parents will be tested on their ability to explain sex. It is anticipated that a small cottage industry of policy library downloads will soon spring up.

The chief inspector of the QCQ has not yet been announced but a spokesperson has been speaking off the record to reporters who have raised the alarm that such a concerted effort is being made to measure something as difficult to quantify as parenting. They have been quoted as saying, ’Well we could think of no other way to keep vast swathes of the population subjugated, miserable and on their toes. We believe that by measuring you improve standards and thereby improve the quality of parenting and the childhood experience. Britain will be more productive as a result of the QCQ.’

Each inspection team is set to cost £7,000 per inspection, with the team being put up in local hotels on the day prior to the inspection that would start at 6am. The hotel industry is set to have a mini-boom as are the clipboard-making factories. In fact it is estimated that next year at any given point that 34% of the population will either be being inspected or be part of an inspection team, or support organisation.

’What better way could there be of generating jobs and quality at the same time?’ asked the spokesperson. When asked about the consequences of less than adequate inspection results the spokesperson explained, ‘Well the local council will be funded to provide a support team to come in and help the family with policies and so on and we would re-inspect within six months. More jobs…’

The scheme will not apply to families with children in boarding school.

Dr Samir Dawlatly is a GP in Birmingham

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Readers' comments (8)

  • Given some of the efforts at parenting we see walk through the surgery door I've often thought it should require a licence.

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  • Great send up of all the nonsense. But does the sum you mention include the 6.4million allocated for 'large scale trial to assess the effectiveness of teaching mindfulness in schools'. See MRC Web site. This is to start this year in 74 schools and students will be followed up over 2 years. MINDFULNESS IS STILL A COMPLETELY UNREGULATED PRACTICE yet practitioners who run the main charity at Warneford have been given massive funding and it has received permissions to go ahead. Who by? What information is given to parents and children so that they can give informed consent? . Obviously the home background of the children will be investigated. Hope the children don't shop them for having a drink or a fag or horrors making snide remarks about the researchers.

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  • The CQC is a totally out of control quango that is on a rampant power grab. It needs abolishing because it actually doesn't help anybody.

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  • This tickled me muchly. Thank you!

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  • 08.47. I couldn't agree more.... I wonder how some parents manage to get up in the morning, let alone look after children. Oh, wait, they don't.

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  • I know it is tongue in cheek and 'currently' politically impossible to do, but in reality we would probably eventually get better Health outcomes if the money that is currently spent on CQC was spent on such an organisation.

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  • Although off the wall, The irony is that much of what the Gov are doing presently already resembles this dangerous idea.

    How many new jobs have been created by this governments contracting out of public services, by linking DWP and GPs is one example with ref to Their 'Work and Health' and new 'Health and Work' agendas/policies. Or lets call them what they really are Behavioural Modification.Control programs. Or Operant Conditioning Programs. Or BrainWashing Programs.

    I would argue that this is not so 'off the wall' as some may think.

    The Troubled Families Program, already extends its controlling arm to encompass, any parent who appears to have independent views from that of the State.

    Councils and private Cos are paid by results, Tick box exercises based of phoney and un-evidenced outcome. Statistically unmeasurable outcomes, often with the families signed up to the program having no knowledge that they are on the government list.

    Troubled Families! If they are not troubled when they are initially targeted, then they most likely will be once the harassment begins.


    Most new work being created by this government is designed to serve the New State agenda, That of Subjugation and Conformity.

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  • And of course all QCQ inspectors will be parenting experts- oh wait - I've just looked at their CVs and they have studied parenting - but none of them have actually been parents and experienced the stress of having to be a actually deliver good parenting care 24/7 for years and years. Hmmm that will make them good inspectors? I'm not convinced.

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