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Revealed: Plan for GPs to help build nuclear defence system

Through the K Hole

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GPs are to be given additional training to help construct the nation’s nuclear defence system, according to a new government proposal.

The suggestion came after defence services have been downgraded all over the UK.

‘GPs are a very resourceful and highly skilled group of professionals, which means they’re great at picking up the slack,’ the defence minister said.

‘It seems to me that when they’re not seeing patients they’re ideally placed to develop a fully functioning long range nuclear weapons programme.’

It’s important that GPs continue to offer a full range of services for all of their patients, including the ability to wipe out an entire city of them.

Apparently the idea was discussed at a big meeting and everybody nodded.

Colin, a masochistic, cardigan-wearing, down-trodden yet sanguine GP from Croydon said: ‘After working flat out at the surgery for 14 hours (without food or water) I attended a three hour long workshop on fissile isotopes. At the end of it I was rewarded with an egg sandwich and a certificate, with my name on it!

‘It made me feel very special. I now feel confident handling weapons grade uranium but I’m still a little shaky on inter-continental ballistics and satellite technology. It’s important that GPs continue to offer a full range of services for all of their patients, including the ability to wipe out an entire city of them.’

‘Once GPs are done with defence,’ continued the minister, ‘we’re going to expand their remit and ask them to solve some of life’s other big questions, like what the hell should we do about global warming and international terrorism? And are ghosts real? And if ghosts are real and if they wear clothes, why is it that nobody’s ever been haunted by a pair of ghost underpants? You know, questions like that.’

 

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Readers' comments (4)

  • Absolutely brilliant, laughed till I cried!

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  • Colin has been misled; between qualifying and starting my first job I had an afternoon of lectures on xrays at the end of which I was awarded a Radiation Protection Certificate. My CCG, in association with the Department of Defence, felt that this allowed be to perform an extended role as a nuclear weapons designer.I asked one of the Ministers what advice the public would be given in the event that nuclear hostilities broke out and he said "Go and see your GP".

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  • There are quite a few Colins around.
    At a recent Federation meeting Colin was discussing the merits of telemedicine and the latest care plan initiative in care homes.
    No word of a lie, and without a hint of irony, Colin said 'yes, these are exciting times for nursing homes'.
    At that very moment I started formulating my exit plan.

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  • I think it was Colin's practice that was doing the showers for the homeless.

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