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Men looking for sympathy will destroy the NHS

Men looking for sympathy will destroy the NHS, health experts confirm.

It’s well known that men are pathetic, but they become intolerable when they have a runny nose and a sore throat. This winter thousands of men deprived of basic sympathy and hot drinks by their women-folk will cause the collapse of the health service.

‘I tried the usual tactics,’ says Colin, ‘groaning every time I blew my nose, coughing extravagantly every time I took a breath and asking my girlfriend to touch my fevered brow, but she didn’t respond.’ 

‘I even made an igloo out of tissues glued together with my own secretions and lined it with quilting, half-drunk Lemsips and magazines about motorbikes, a kind of shrine to my own misery. But when she turned a blind-eye I took matters into my own hands.’

In a pathetic display of manhood he hauled himself out of bed, lay on the back seat of the local bus, propped himself up in the busy waiting room of his surgery and sneezed all over his doctor before managing to drag his virus-laden corpse around the supermarket to buy some bread, just to prove a point.

‘I feel better now,’ says Colin, ‘partly because I’m secure in the knowledge that I only have a cold, but mainly because I’ve managed to infect thousands of innocent bystanders.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh

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