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Drink and be merry

Earlier this week a team of leading health experts convened to advise the government on the minimum pricing of alcohol in England and Wales. After much deliberation they decided that being tipsy after a couple of glasses of wine is awesome and that not a single man, woman or child should be denied the opportunity to experience it for themselves.

Speaking from a Soho wine bar, one of the cheery panel members said: ‘I can only speak for myself but after two glasses of wine everything I say is as funny as f*ck and I feel like an immortal god. There’s no way we should make booze less accessible, it’s just too fabby. Chin chin!’

After slurping back his Merlot he continued: ‘I mean without cheap booze I would never have fallen through that bay window or buried my dining room table in the garden and nor would I have punched a hole through a plaster wall thinking that a face was coming out of it.’

International evidence suggests that increasing the price of alcohol saves lives. But government experts argue that it will also deny people the chance to risk their health in the mindless pursuit of entertaining anecdotes which are only funny once you’ve got at least a couple of glasses of wine in you.