Drastic measures

In a move to slash the rising NHS pension bill the Government has banned retirement.

A spokesman, speaking through a mouthful of velvety chateau Lafite says: 'The country doesn't have any money left, we must have spent it all, silly us! I had a quick whip round this morning and all I managed to get was two pounds thirty, a bus ticket and a half eaten House of Commons sandwich.

'In drastic times we need drastic measures and in order to save the NHS millions we thought it would be a good start to pour billions into pointless restructuring. We also aim to raise the retirement age of doctor's so that in effect they will never and I mean never be able to retire!'

A 93 year old GP says: 'I'm a little bit disappointed with this latest measure. I mean I know the NHS has to save money somehow but I was rather hoping to take things a wee bit easier next year. What with the current trend it won't be too long before we're expected to work even after we're dead and I think it's probably time for the youngsters to start making some important pension decisions.

'The only thing I would say is that with my advancing years my concentration isn't quite the same as it used to be and I sometimes switch off during my consultations…What's that dear? I'll have the soup please. The way I see it dementia is just another harmless brain disease….Oh I've just wet myself....Nurse!!!"

Mrs Mackie the long suffering daughter of a self-styled, old-school GP says: 'I don't know what people are complaining about. My father was still seeing patients when he was well over a hundred. We used to wheel him round on his air bed and he would hold out a clawed hand and gurgle something terrifying at a whimpering child. We assumed he said please prescribe amoxicillin syrup and calpol and in 90% of cases we were bang on the money.

'On the day he died we positioned him in the waiting room of his surgery with a Santa hat and a can of air freshener. It was the middle of June but it's what he would have wanted.'

A black and white thinker from Crewe says: 'To be honest retirement is over-rated. On the first day of my new life I woke up and there was a strange woman cooking something called breakfast in something called a kitchen. Apparently she's known as a "wife", yeah I know tell me about it, it's news to me too!'

The Government spokesman continues: 'We need to ensure that the NHS remains economically viable for future generations and every week my colleagues and I get together for a few beers and play around with some ideas. One thought we had, which may yet make it into Government policy, is to make nursing staff work 93 hour shifts.

'This may seem a little harsh but on the plus side the sales of Quality Streets and Hello magazine will go through the roof. And don't forget, patients have never had it so good, lying in bed all day being fed grapes and watching telly…lucky sh*ts!"

As politicians spear head the crack down on the NHS coffers and as primary care becomes further embroiled in financial decision making, one thing is for certain, GPs will take both the brunt and the blame.

Written in response to: How to save the NHS millions by stopping taking the piss - literally Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen