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A faulty production line

The NHS has clearly cracked cloning of humans

Dr David Turner

I always thought that cloning was something done by cell biologists, but it seems I was wrong. Instead, it appears NHS England has cracked the replication of genetically identical humans.

I can think of no other explanation for their announcement that 22,000 extra GP appointments will become available by preventing some GP practices closing for half a day a week.

With appraisal; revalidation; 50 hours of education per year; locality meetings; in-house training; mandatory training; practice meetings; business meetings and MDT meetings to cram into the working week between surgeries, NHS England obviously can't be suggesting that practices that close for half days have a glut of idle GPs sitting with their feet up, drinking tea behind the surgeries’ ‘closed’ signs?

No, the only conclusion I can draw from this announcement is that they will be cloning us. I expect that the swabs will arrive through the post any day now, and we will be compelled to provide them with a sample of cheek epithelial cells.

If NHS England is going to stoop as low as docking the pay of struggling practices, the only appropriate response is a derisive one

I assume they have some arrangement to ‘sleep teach’ these developing masses of cells, in some Huxleyan hypnopaedia lab, so batches of NICE guideline-saturated, rigid protocol following primary care physicians will emerge fully formed from their growth medium vats in vast fertilising rooms?

If the powers that be in NHS England are to be true to Huxley’s vision of the future, then these fresh-off-the-production-line GPs will be completely satisfied with their lot and totally non-rebellious, having been sleep-fed the party line dogma from day one.

Yes, sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, but, quite frankly, if NHS England is going to stoop as low as docking the pay of struggling practices, the only appropriate response is a derisive one.

Dr David Turner is a GP in North West London

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Readers' comments (3)

  • NHSE are a ruthless bunch
    They want to close any surgery under 6000 patients
    The bigger plan is to make super surgeries of 200000 and anything less - well any idea that makes you suffer and disappear is of the order

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  • Great article. The next time NHSE comes up with more rules or form, our knee jerk response would be how many less patients can I see to create time to do that!

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  • 200,000 patients! Let's see, that's about 23 Practices (winter population), so practice area will be..(looks at map)... 2.5 hours car traevl from one side to the other, in good weather, 19 hours during floods or blizzards, and no public transport means more home visits for most of them.... or just let them die out.

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