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Independents' Day

Cheer up, it’s not 2020 yet

Dr Pete Deveson

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The time-honoured ‘humorous predictions for next year’ article is trickier than usual to write this time around, what with the nation having descended into a chaotic hellscape that renders traditional satirical hyperbole impotent.

Apologies if the tone of this gets dark, but these are strange times. For example, while writing this I saw that rather than, say, making a sensible long-term strategic plan, the health secretary is hatching a scheme to airlift medicines into the country if it all goes belly up in March.

Basically, what I’m saying is when David Cameron planned that referendum he should have given more thought to the difficulties it might cause future writers of whimsical filler pieces.

Perhaps society will collapse before 2019 even kicks off. Who knows? Maybe this article will never be printed, and instead you’re cowering in your surgery-slash-bunker translating it from Morse code, as the half-crazed editor feverishly taps out each letter into the ether from the ruins of Pulse Towers.

In which case, I apologise to all concerned for my unfettered sesquipedalianism.

Anyway, with such a sunny outlook in mind, my predictions for the year ahead are:

1. May will be gone by March. Whether she gets her deal over the line, we crash out or the nation has an unprecedented outbreak of common sense and decides to not totally shaft everything in a vain attempt to satisfy the demands of our collective racist nans, the Prime Minister will be out on her ear. But who’s that lurking quietly in the shadows? Cometh the hour, cometh the man. Ladies and gentlemen, your new PM, Jeremy Hunt. Told you it would be dark, didn’t I?

2. Drug scarcity will be the new normal, but with paradoxical benefits. Marvel at how many coughs suddenly clear up when amoxicillin is available only in suppository form and at how record numbers of elderly survive the summer heatwave as the national furosemide shortage leaves them fortuitously overhydrated.

3. The new government-backed indemnity scheme will be awful. Not sure if that means all-the money-you-savewill- be-taken-out-of-the-global-sum awful, or they-were-all-concentrating-on- Brexit-and-just-worked-it-out-on-theback- of-a-fag-packet awful, or frontier justice-every-time-you-make-a-mistake they- cut-off-a-finger awful. But awful.

4. The health secretary will keep banging on about apps, like the one-trick pony he is. Even as you’re slugging it out in a GP Battle Royale for the last remaining Epipen, Hancock will be preaching how you could eviscerate your rival so much more efficiently if you embraced smartphone technology.

5. 2020 will be worse. Happy New Year readers!

Dr Pete Deveson is a GP in Surrey



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Readers' comments (3)

  • Vinci Ho

    All I would say , after all these years in general practice as well as reading about human history , things are not always what they seem . Battles of survival , should you choose to fight , are always long.........

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  • Vinci Ho

    Bear in mind , one has to look at the whole world situations with butterfly effects on each other :
    ( in no particular order )
    (1) US- China ‘war’ ( already moved beyond trade issues)
    (2) Russia’s secret agendas
    (3) Trump’s everlasting unpredictability
    (4) The ‘brotherhood’ between (2) & (3)
    (5) The reality China has to face ( including its One Belt , One Road , arguably over-ambitious project)
    (6) South Asian countries , Japan as well as Taiwan’s responses to (5)
    (7) North-South Korean dilemma
    (8) Iranian issue(s) and an imminent US campaign against it.
    (9) The contradictions and ambivalences within EU and hence its overall integration with Russia knocking on the door all the time .

    And , Brexit is clearly on this list
    As I always like to use as analogy , this is Mexican stand-off with multiple players pointing guns in different directions.
    Happy 2019😬🤔🤨😜

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  • Sesquipedalianism!!!
    Fab word. (had to look it up😀)

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