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Welcome to healthapp.scot.uk

A surreal look at the NHS from Dr Kevin Hinkley

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Welcome to healthapp.scot.uk. How can I help you today?

I wannae talk about ma health.

You want to talk about your health. Is that correct?

Aye that’s right.

Please describe your symptoms and remember to speak clearly and slowly.

Well it’s wee bit embarrassin’ like… but I cannae take a dump

You have dumping syndrome. Is that correct?

Dumping syndrome? No man what’s that?

Dumping syndrome is a group of symptoms, including weakness, abdominal discomfort, and sometimes abnormally rapid bowel evacuation, occurring after meals in some patients who have undergone gastric surgery.

No man I dunnae ’ave that!

Healthapp recommends that you book an appointment with a gastroenterologist if you have dumping syndrome.

Yer not hearin’ me right man. What I’m sayin’ is I cannae shite

Please repeat

I cannae shite

Please repeat

I CANNAE TAKE A SHITE

You have a problem with constipation is that right?

Aye

I’m sorry, please repeat that

Aye

Do you also have a problem with your eyes?

No man! My eyes are fine, there’s nuthin’ wrong with ma eyes!

Thank you. Please remember to keep your description as precise as possible. Tell me more about your problem.

Ok, so it’s been five days now and the last time this happened I…

Is there any blood in your stool?

No, there’s not, but if you just let me expla…

Have you experienced any weight loss?

No I have nae!

Are you male?

Aye I’m f***in’ male

You are a man who has sex with men is that correct?

No!!!!

Thank you… Checking database. Key words identified form your history are: blood in stool and men who have sex with men. Please book an appointment with your local sexual health specialist.

Yer jokin’ me man?

Is there anything else you would like help with today?

Aye, awa’ n bile yer head ya bampot

I’m sorry please repeat that

Dr Kevin Hinkley is GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen

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