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We’ve got GPaemia and our system is on the attack

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Dr Sam Dawlatly

‘Hi come in, take a seat.’

‘Right, you’ve come for the results of your investigations. Now, if I remember rightly some of these were done because we thought the way you were working was, how did they put it, no longer fit for purpose. Yes, well it can be odd what these important doctors can say from time to time.

‘Let’s take a look then. Well the first thing that I can see is that you are GPaemic. Definitely very short of the old worker bees in the system.

‘It’s a bit like a bathtub you see. To prevent GPaemia you’ve got to be getting enough fresh blood in through the taps and making sure that you are not leaking from anywhere.

‘And from what I can see it seems that you have managed to haemorrhage about 5,000 GPs over the last 15 years or so. Seems as though those plans for a transfusion announced four years ago have not quite worked.

Seems as though the bone marrow wasn’t working and it wasn’t possible to replace the lost GPs within five years

‘Let’s have a look at the comments on the film. Hmmm, seems as though the bone marrow wasn’t working quite as well as we thought and it wasn’t possible to replace the lost GPs overnight, or even within five years.

‘Even attempts at transfusions from overseas have been fraught with difficulty. But the recruitment numbers seems to be rising. Must mean that there is some bleeding from the system.

‘Looks like the old GPs are being broken down in the system. I think you may have some autoimmune GP-o-lysis syndrome going on.

‘Whatever it is seems to be attacking an antigen on the surface of old GPs and it is leading to increased venting of the spleen and GP breakdown. I guess that much vaunted resilience tonic hasn’t made much difference and that the fault lies within the system itself.

‘I’m not sure that early breakdown can fully explain your GPaemia. You must be leaking GPs from other parts of your system too. Ah, this ultrasound scan suggests ectopic foci of GPs in other parts of peritoneum and pelvis.

‘I think you’re experiencing a fair bit of pain from endometrilocums as well as PMS – Permanent Migratory Syndrome. We have detected traces of your GPs as far afield as Canada, New Zealand and Australia.

‘So that’s what your tests show. As far as treatment is concerned, well it seems the Government has decided that you still need a transfusion of GPs, but they are also going to treat you with a serum, platelets and plasma, otherwise known as pharmacists, physiotherapists and paramedics.Not sure if that is going to dilute you out further or actually help.

‘They’re also going to get you toclump together – it’s a network theory or something – but I always thought clots were dangerous. Times change.’

Dr Samir Dawlatly is a GP in Birmingham