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An ode to commissioning-speak

I was part of a commissioning group and the managers involved spoke a language so ludicrously technical that I genuinely had no idea what they were talking about. It inspired me to write the following:

On ‘April one', ‘should be the first of April',

Let's bring some ‘branding' to the table,

Our ‘bandwidth' is just a little too tight,

They've ‘shifted goalposts' over night,

And strictly between me and you,

They've refused the ‘global overview'

So, now please give a ‘ballpark figure',

And ‘drill-down' to what we might deliver,

Or take the ‘helicopter view',

And think our way ‘through skies of blue'

‘Let's find a table to bring it to',

Or ‘run it up a flagpole', where,

Eager hands salute thin air,

With not a mention of doc or nurses;

An edifice to risk averseness,

Or let's ‘throw some context around',

(Think I just heard ultrasound!!),

‘There's no I in team', I think it wise,

‘To see if we can't incentivise',

And understand the guidelines (NICE)!

With ‘client-focused, critical missions',

Now something about long-term conditions,

Let's talk about patients I hear you shout,

‘let's graze the cows in the ideas field and see exactly what drops out'

With ‘providers, commissioners, the old new contract',

And ‘single points of bloody contact'

Today I've watched you ‘bottom out',

And ‘sweat your asset', and throughout

This meeting you've been a lexical joke,

Probably ‘pushing some metaphorical envelope',

I really don't want to ‘catch the lingo'

And that was HOUSE in management bingo.

From Dr Paul Barker,

Bournemouth, Dorset