Enter our Christmas Columnist competition, and you could win £100 in Amazon vouchers and legendary GP comedian Dr Phil Hammond's latest DVDs
- There was a little chuckle in Mr Gosling's voice, as if to imply the interviewer was incredibly naive not to realise we were bumping off patients on a daily basis.
- 'Your ECG looks funny,' she told my patient, but actually it didn't. Every ECG machine ever made thinks every ECG ever taken looks funny. You just can't trust the little plastic bastards.
- 'It's me scalp, doctor, it's very itchy.' I look at his shaven head. It looks an entirely normal self-imposed thug-scalp to me.
- My patients and I go out for coffee together. We chat on Facebook. Some weekends, all 2,001 of us link hands and walk, in soft focus, through fields of corn, singing 'We are the world'.
- When did one of your heartsinks last die? It never happens. Heartsinks are indestructible. They're made from the same material as black boxes and Captain Scarlet.
- Receptionists, telling me there's a visit request at 6.29pm involving the words 'faecal' and 'incontinence' is no reason to smike. From now on, when relaying this sort of message, adopt a suitably apologetic tone, and deliver it with tea.
To enter Pulse's Christmas Columnist competition, email
email@example.com to submit a column on a topic related to general practice at a length of 550-650 words.
The winning entry will be printed in Pulse, and the author will win £100 in Amazon gift vouchers, plus two DVDs by GP comic Dr Phil Hammond - Dr Phil's Rude Health Show and Confessions of a Doctor.