Guilty as charged

Through the K hole sits in on the trial of GP charged with a range of heinous crimes - including eye-rolling, nose-picking and Googling obscure skin conditions

A family GP is beginning his sentence today for professional misdemeanours that span the course of his twenty one year career.

The GP, known only as Dr X, attended court to confirm his name and address. The prosecution, led by Mr Frederick Smarme QC, brought the list of serious charges to the court's attention.

'The allegations are, doctor, that you would often stare blankly out of the window at primary care service redesign meetings, that you were caught picking your nose when your practice manager asked for some blue sky thinking, that you would regularly invite patients back on a Friday afternoon just to check their blood pressure and that you would often be tempted to write 'to take as directed' on a script to hide a multitude of sins.'

'Do you also deny, doctor, that you would Google skin conditions during the consultation because you didn't have a clue what the diagnosis was, and that you would arrange blood tests in the vain hope that their symptoms would have resolved by the time the results came back?'

'Can you also confirm, doctor, that you rolled your eyes whenever a patient said they were in agony and that you would frequently sigh if a nurse reported that the patient's blood pressure was in his boots?'

'You are also alleged to have asked 'what's a federation?' three times in a single working day. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, can I also draw your attention to a verbatim transcript. The professional sat here before you would use such phrases as, and I quote, "I'm not sure what it is but I don't think it's serious", "it's probably viral", "snot is supposed to be green" and "we've got a lady doctor for that sort of thing".'

An iatrogenic nightmare from Crewe was presented to the court as a witness.

'The doctor misdiagnosed my fibromyalgia for years,' she said. 'When I confronted him with this, I looked into his eyes to see if there was any remorse, any flicker of human compassion - but to my horror he seemed to be asleep.'

The doctor's annual appraiser also stepped up to the witness box.

'II still have flashbacks,' he said. 'He wasn't remotely interested when I spoke to him about toolkits, good quality evidence and multi-source feedback analysis... sorry I'll have to stop because just hearing those lovely words is making me flush all over with warm sexy feelings.'

In his summation, the judge Mr Justice Jones said: 'You only achieved 99.99% of your annual QOF targets, you submitted a very weak audit project as part of your annual appraisal which was clearly done the night before, and you called your practice manager a slag behind her back. Not only are you an idiot doctor, you are also a dangerous idiot.'

Drawing it all together, the judge concluded: 'You think life is a box of chocolates? Well doctor, you have reached in and had all the best ones so far, and to be honest I don't like people who do that, I like the orange ones doctor and you seem to have had all of those too, and the strawberry ones as well, and hang on a minute where's all the f***ing fudge... why you little bastard.'

It took less than six seconds for the jury to find him guilty of these heinous crimes.

He will be taken to a public place and thence severely tutted at by some under-qualified and over-zealous bureaucrats. He will no longer be able to take afternoon tea and will lose all biscuit tin privileges with immediate effect.