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Hospitals made of chocolate, and other election pledges

'Through the K hole' joins politicians on the campaign trail as they frantically fight for every last vote

With the election just days away and desperate to claw back the undecided voters, sleep-deprived politicians have finally admitted that they live in a magical castle in the sky.

A Westminster insider said: 'About once every five years the gates to our fantasy kingdom swing open. We all climb through a hole in the willow tree at the bottom of the garden and slide down into the real world of debt and dodgy healthcare. In our world, floating high above in the pink clouds, no-one ever gets sick, money falls from the sky like blossom and we can each afford to decorate our castles in the latest fairytale fashion.'

'In this land of talking daffodils and baby dragons no one has to take responsibility, there are no consequences for our actions and we have budgets of trillions to piss up the wall rather than just a few quid.'

He went on to explain: 'We're working hard, with the help of a big spell book that we found in the Commons library, to push through our major health reforms. By 2020 we want all hospitals to be made of chocolate, we want all nursing students to be replaced by iPhones and we want to empty the river Thames and fill it instead with the elixir of life.'

'One of our key policies is that every CHP deserves to have an invisible dragon to help cut back on waste and every child should have 24 hour access to his own tooth fairy, a measure supported by the Woodland Dentistry Commission. I should also add that we now have over three thousand extra band 6 fairies trained at the Ministry of Magic just waiting to get out there and start sprinkling their moon dust.'

Professor Candid from Axminster University said: 'I'm pleased that politicians have finally admitted that they live in an enormous floating castle in the sky, because I can now release research findings that have been suppressed for over a decade. I can confirm that all the latest evidence suggests that in terms of their healing qualities, the fairies are far superior to the elves and that goblins are on par with sprites. I can now advise that if a dwarf ever, and I mean ever, asks to take a look in your gob just go for his eyes.'

Brian, a walking cliché from Runcorn with the same terrifying fat content as a pork scratching, admitted: 'If I ever catch one of those magical knomes in my garden promising polyclincs and access to the latest wonder drugs and NHS reform and this, that and the other I'll strangle the little f***ker and stick his magic beans right up his arse.'

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen

Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr