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I can’t believe it’s not water!

Through the K Hole takes a surreal look at the use of complementary therapies

Researchers can now reveal that 10 out of 10 homeopathic remedies, which is almost 100%, are about as clinically effective as luke warm cat piss.

Professor Candid who spear headed the group explains more ‘I was watching a re-run of the Wicker Man the other day which got me thinking about alternative medicine. At Axminster University we compared the clinical efficacy of homeopathic remedies, also known as water, with standard issue cat piss. For all outcome measures, apart from ‘does my breath now smell like cat piss?', which surprisingly scored a lot higher in the homeopathy group, the results were about the same.

Manfred Von Barnstormer, also known as Colin Dingwall from Crawley, author of such popular works as ‘Salad Cured my Prostate', ‘I can't believe it's not water!' and ‘Root Vegetables in Defiance of Science' admits that: 'We no longer have to prove that the Greek gods don't exist anymore, so why do we have to disprove that water has magical qualities.

'I also have to say that the main active ingredient, dihydrogen oxide, has probably killed more people than Hitler. I mean just last year 400 people drowned in the UK, and it's not only drowning, there's swimmers itch, surfers ear, hypothermia, Weils disease, the list is almost endless…well it's not because I've just come to the end of it, but you get my point'.

A bottle of mineral water from Hartlepool says ‘I was having an identity crisis but then Prof took me home and told me that I had talent and that I was special, that I could cure people. Eventually though my label started to peel and he dumped me for some sparkling French, what a bitch she was… I might be feeling vulnerable right now but get your tongue off my rim you f***ing perve'

A pigeon fancier who enjoys most things zoological says ‘I mixed up a solution of freshly killed ducks liver, daubed myself in rabbit droppings and lived in a Neolithic cave dwelling that I'd fashioned out of a council Wheelie bin, some dry skin dyking and my neighbours rock garden. It did absolutely nothing for my gout and my wife has now filed for a divorce'

Prof Candid says ‘It's not easy to say that complementary medicine fanatics are deluded, oh hang on I've just said it… so it is quite easy to say!'

It's a shame that in the age of quantum physics and space exploration that there are still people out there who feel the need to disprove the validity of medieval magic.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

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