‘The NHS works a bit like the human bowel’

Ever wondered what politicians really think of the NHS? Pulse's surreal blog 'Though the K hole' has an exclusive interview with a top Westminster insider...

In the run up to the general election, which has been one of the most closely-run and mind-numbingly tedious for a generation, a Government spokesman speaks openly about the role of politics in the NHS.

'The three parties have now published their health manifestos and there are clear and substantial differences between them.'

'Labour offers a guarantee of cancer results within a week, the Conservatives support improved access to the latest drugs and the Liberal Democrats are focusing on structural reform. However, I have to admit that successive administrations have f***ed up the NHS something chronic, and we would like just a few more years to f**k it up some more. We're pouring money into medicine but frustratingly it always manages to make its way from the front line to the arse end.'

'In fact the NHS works a bit like the human bowel - a delicious creamy fondant fancy goes in and nothing but shit comes out the other side.'

He went on to explain that: 'We aim to tackle some of these problems by destroying morale in primary care, closing down hospitals and sending oversees doctors back home without so much as a thankyou.'

'To be honest most of our policy on health reform has actually come from an enormous two headed hell dog called Geoff who lives in the basement of the House of Lords. We're not actually sure where he came from, but due to his habit of breathing fire and munching on hereditary peers he probably did actually come from hell.'

'I can now confirm media speculation that Geoff has suggested we replace GPs with an army of the living dead who will be totally at our beck and call. To to be honest, I don't think many people would notice. The alternative option is to enslave all GPs, a bit like that film, you know the one with all the talking monkeys in it, it'll be like that, but with just a bit less fur.'

He also described how 'combining the red, yellow and blue parties all together would result in a sort of baby shit colour, and that's exactly what the country should be aiming for'.

Reaction was sought from local wildlife and Chloe, a 4-year-old speaking from a nursery in Hartlepool, said: 'I've just found out that I've now been banned from smoking whilst lying on a sunbed. Politicians are a bunch of gob shites!'

A resentful mother-of-two added: 'As it stands at the minute I can't see my GP whenever I f***ing want. He's supposed to be a f***ing public servant for f**k's sake, which means he should be serving me 24/7, preferably on his hands and knees. Personally I blame the f***ing immigrants.'

Cutting the NHS prescribing budget would also be a very reasonable way of saving money, Prof Candid said.

'There's now robust evidence that eating pickled onions can actually cure cancer and probably depression as well, but strangely it doesn't seem to help cancer patients with depression. Unfortunately, a recent trial conducted at Axminster University shows that the pickled vegetable can also cause statistically significant onion breath.'

Whatever happens, GPs look set to have their arses publicly spanked. They will be working longer hours and seeing more patients for less money, whilst politicians are scooped up in the soft, velvet glove of popularity and skimmed into the future.