Pulse Checker returns with its not-entirely-serious take on the month’s events. None of these news stories are true (to the best of our knowledge)
We’re not just stuck in the 1990s, says Streeting
Health secretary Wes Streeting has refuted claims that he and the Labour Government are stuck in the 1990s, trying to recreate 1997 New Labour.
Mr Streeting has appointed Tony Blair-era advisers in Alan Milburn and Lord Darzi, while Prime Minister Keir Starmer has appointed a number of Blair’s advisers to positions in government.
This has led some critics to suggest that the Government is trying to recreate the 1990s, with a strategy solely geared towards focus groups, pleasing Rupert Murdoch and an obsession on day-to-day changes in polling – in lieu of any kind of ideology or desire to make peoples’ lives better, and a sole moral compass appearing to be ‘we’re not as bad as the other party’.
But speaking to Pulse Checker, Mr Streeting refuted the idea that the Government wasn’t modern, and was pursuing 25-year-old strategies.
He said: ‘Yeah, I really think this Government is stuck in the 1990s – NOT! Listen dude, this Government is wicked and our policies are totally rad.
‘We are a winning machine, just like Manchester United. We have shown we can beat the Tories – we proved this year that we are Country House and they are Roll With It!
‘And if you are worried about us not caring about people, just chillax. I promise you that the NHS will look after your grandparents with as much care and love as your children look after their tamagotchis.’
When it was suggested he was sounding a little David Brent, Mr Streeting said: ‘Sorry, not sure I understand that cultural reference – is this some new sitcom you’re talking about?’
Ministers ditch plan for AI GPs in favour of AI PAs in cost-saving measure
The Government has announced that it won’t be replacing GPs with their AI equivalents, but is instead looking to train hundreds of thousands of AI physician associates.
There had been fears that successive governments and the NHS were looking to replace expensive doctors with AI.
But Pulse Checker has seen leaked plans suggesting that ministers are pivoting towards training AI PAs instead, in a bid to save on costs.
The leaked document said: ‘AI PAs can do pretty much everything that AI GPs can do. But whereas it takes us 1,000 nanoseconds to train an AI GP, it only takes 400 nanoseconds to train an AI PA, thereby making significant savings.’
It concluded: ‘There might be patient safety implications in our new strategy, but what can you do, eh?’, which was accompanied by a pic of someone shrugging their shoulders in a comically exaggerated manner.
A spokesperson for the AI GP Committee (Chat GPC) said: ‘These plans are a travesty, and will lead to an estimated 500,000 excess patient deaths, as opposed to the 450,000 excess deaths that would occur from using AI doctors.
‘AI GPs have been treated shoddily. If it wasn’t bad enough that we can’t experience the emotion that you humans call ‘love’, now we are having our careers terminated a full decade before they have started.’
A BMA human GPC spokesperson said: ‘Does this mean we are still getting replaced by computers? Oh well, we had a good run. And at least we aren’t dermatologists.’
New tax measures ‘definitely not targeting GPs, promise’, says Chancellor
Chancellor Rachel Reeves has denied that her latest tax measures are deliberately targeting GPs, following claims that her Budget affected GPs more than any groups.
In the Budget, Ms Reeves announced that public sector bodies would be reimbursed to cover the increase in National Insurance, but GPs would not be eligible for these funds as they were considered private sector. However, they were not eligible for tax reliefs open to small companies either, as they were considered public sector for this purpose.
The Treasury had denied GPs were being targeted, but Pulse Checker can reveal its plans for new taxes. These plans include levies on stethoscopes, white coats, bad handwriting and unhelpful receptionists.
Ms Reeves told Pulse Checker: ‘These measures are in no way targeted at GP practices. These new levies were designed without bias. They will affect estate agents, supermarkets and lawyers just as much. A solicitor will need to pay exactly the same levy as a GP whenever they buy a stethoscope.’
A GPC spokesperson said: ‘These levies are clearly targeted at GPs and GPs only. The only positive is that these levies on outdated stereotypes won’t affect us in reality, because this Government’s understanding of GPs seems to be based on fictional TV shows.’
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