‘I went to see my GP with my ADHD self-reporting scale and he just threw it in the bin,’ says someone who patently doesn’t have ADHD.
Joel is 19, he’s a bit of a dick, he can’t organise himself, he’s always losing his keys and he forgot to buy his soon-to-be ex-girlfriend a birthday present; so he did an online test to find out what was going on.
‘I’ve always been special,’ says Joel, ‘At school I ran around a lot and threw stones at cars and I always found maths really really boring. Mainly because I couldn’t do it. But since leaving school I’ve forged a career as a part-time DJ and I prefer UK hard house blended with the bursting rhythms of Dutch techno hardcore to ordinary human conversation.’
When Joel isn’t DJing he’s masturbating and when he’s not doing that he’s dreaming of what he’ll do when he eventually becomes famous.
Attention deficit expert Prof Candid says: ‘Joel is typical. But what I’d say to Joel is that if you have the patience to complete a 300 page online questionnaire it probably means you don’t have ADHD. Conversely, if you’ve ever filled out an online psychopath test it probably means that you are definitely a psychopath’
Prof Candid’s advice to Joel is to man up.