If you thought 2023 was bad…

Columnist Dr Copperfield on the shiny new initiatives that GPs can look forward to in the new year

You’re probably wondering what the rapidly expanding worlds of medicine, technology and medicopolitics have in store for you next year, and, as I happen to move in exalted circles, I know, so I’ll tell you. These are the initiatives for 2024 that you can look forward to:

• All patients will automatically be given a daily appointment with a GP, which they can cancel if necessary. This will finally end the eight o’clock rush.
• There will be a new endocrine diagnostic category of pre-pre-diabetes encompassing any HbA1c >0 and <42.
• GPs will have annual mandatory training on what training really is mandatory.
• Patients will have free access to a ‘Check Checker’ app, which checks that they’ve had all their health checks, warns them when they become entitled to new checks, and directs them locally to the nearest check service (pharmacy, shopping centre, hairdresser, etc).
• All health awareness days will be extended to a month.
• Smart toilets will be installed in all newly built homes, which will automatically send daily urinalyses (via wee-mail) and FIT tests (via social media app Shitter) to the GP.
• There will be a national ‘Check you’re breathing’ campaign: ‘Breathing? Then you’re alive. For now. But you can’t be too careful. Get checked by your GP. Urgently.’
• CCTV will incorporate remote MRI whole-body scanning technology.
• Screening for happiness will be introduced as recent evidence suggests this is a proxy marker for health complacency.
• All homeless people will be rehoused in GP waiting rooms to solve both their poor access to healthcare and the rough sleeping problem.
• A ‘Take the Ball’ campaign will be introduced whereby all Premier League footballers squat and self-examine their testicles before kick-off.
• Statins to be put in tap water, formula feeds and takeaway pizza.
• Foetuses will be subject to depression screening in utero, with those returning a positive result to receive ultrasonic CBT.
• There will be a new national immunisation programme to vaccinate against common sense. Though rare these days, sporadic outbreaks of common sense do still occur, so this programme will cover the entire population, except grannies.
• The WHO will redefine health as ‘pre-illness’.
• GPs will be contractually obliged to take daily amphetamines to increase productivity; in addition, in recognition of their increased workload, each practice is to be given a human-size hamster wheel.

Happy New Year.

Dr Copperfield is a GP in Essex. Read more of his blogs here