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Call me Mystic Meg, but I know the election result already

Written before the outcome of the general election is known, this blog has to consider all possible outcomes.

With the election done and dusted we can now look forward to: the same feckless shower of self-serving toffs / a collection of new faces ‘in charge’ of things for the next five years (delete as appropriate).

Of course the changes in Whitehall since the election mean we: still have a spineless drip for a health secretary, who’s so in love with the private sector it’s impossible to say where his or her arse ends and the private sector’s hand up his or her arse begins / have a new face in charge of health giving all of us a well needed boost of optimism, for a few weeks, until reality kicks in (delete as appropriate).

Following the election result, GP leaders were quick to: congratulate the same old faces and wish them all the best for another five years of ballsing it all up (you have to if you want that gong) / cosy up to the new crowd in charge (you have to if you want that gong) (delete as appropriate).

‘Strong and stable’ was a phrase much bandied about in the run up to the election and the result certainly promises to deliver on this aspiration. The strong and wealthy are likely to remain so and there will almost certainly continue to be stable levels of poverty and inequality.

Up and down the country GPs at the coal face were asked for their reaction to the election result, which can be summarised as such: ‘Erection, what erection? I’ve not left my consulting room for two weeks and you ask me about sex?’

A cross section of the general public was asked how they feel the new administration will deal with the decades of chronic underfunding in the NHS and acute shortage of doctors in a background of an increasingly aged and unhealthy population.

82-year-old dement, Mrs Gloria McFrazzle, summed up the views of the man in the street when she said: ‘Well I didn’t much like the look of her who looks like she’s got a broom up her arse, but that podgy one with the funny hair, you know the one who looks like a big kid, he makes me laugh he does.’

Of course, in spite of these changes, none of us can predict the future but what is for certain is: the NHS will still be ****ed/ the NHS will be a bit less ****ed (you guessed it, delete as appropriate).

Dr David Turner is a GP in west London


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