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I’m sick of being piggy in the middle between patients and the Government

A pig’s head and a privileged boy’s penis: you couldn’t make it up.

We have to thank Lord Ashcroft for this image, which is still only alleged obviously. In my eyes he is now up there with James Naughtie for having given us an enduring nugget of comedy gold.

For anyone who missed this news item, an extract from Lord Ashcroft’s book has spilled the beans on the antics of our politicians during their student days. Apparently, apart from despising the poor, bizzare initiation rituals involving simulating sex with pigs’ heads were among the activities our current PM and his chums got up to in their exclusive Oxford dining clubs.

That the very rich despise the poor should not come as too much of a surprise. What does intrigue me is why so many of the poor voted for these millionaires. I mean, it’s like a drift of wild boar granting planning permission for the construction of a bacon factory. Then to start complaining about cuts….oh, we should milk this one until it’s a dried-out rind of its former self.

Anyhow, the kerfuffle reminded me of how sick I’ve become of being the piggy in the middle between patients and the Government. So my new policy is to directly pass the buck back to cabinet.

‘Yes, I agree it’s disgusting you have to wait two months to see a psychiatrist, but Jeremy thinks we had too many of them and George said he would rather spend the money on a nuclear submarine.’

‘No I’m sorry we aren’t allowed to prescribe those bandages any more, the government said the bankers need their bonuses topping up this year.’

‘A laceration on your old fella’ did you say, tell me again how did you get that? Sorry we had to lay our nurse off, you’ll have to go to A & E.’

Dr David Turner is a GP in west London