Health secretary Matt Hancock is actually a 16-year-old uber-geek who spends his time playing Fortnite and hiding under a star-wars quilt while secretly reading his Dad’s collection of Philip K Dick, it has been alleged.
The accusations came to light after Mr Hancock suggested that GPs should have access to a patients’ genome so that they can…errrr…so that they can….ermmm..…oh hang on….
‘The future is brilliant,’ says Matt. ‘When I say the future I don’t mean the boring future of next Tuesday, and I don’t mean the boring future of 2019, what I mean to say is the exciting future that exists between my ears.
‘In this future there’s load of platinum robots and jet packs and driverless cars and off-world prison colonies and sexy female protagonists who can save humanity through a combination of cleverness and………..mmmmm.’
It’s also alleged that whilst Matt isn’t coding apps or dreaming up ridiculous ideas for the medical profession he spends most of his time working on a pair of virtual reality goggles with matching steam-punk gloves.