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‘Put your hands together and give a warm welcome to The White Paper’

An up close and personal interview with the hottest health service celebrity, in the latest 'Through the K hole'.

'It gives me great pleasure to introduce our first guest tonight. He's hot off the press and some say he's the most radical thing to happen in a generation. Ladies and gentlemen, if you would please put your hands together and give a warm welcome to The White paper.' Cue applause.

'Welcome to the show.'

'Thank you, pleasure to be here.'

'Have a seat, thanks for taking time out to talk with us.'

'Not a problem, I almost didn't get here.'

'Difficult journey?'

'You could say that...'

'You're obviously very busy at the moment but what's in the pipeline, what have you got coming up?'

'Well first of all I need to take a couple of days off, to let my ink dry, you know. But I'm on a very tight schedule, and at the first opportunity I'm going to set about my work of liberating the NHS.'

'I didn't know it had been held captive'

'Neither did Iraq, until we pointed it out to them.'

'There are some out there, let's call them detractors, who say that you're vain. Back in the dressing room, I overheard someone describe you as vacuous and more than a little pretentious. How would you respond to them?'

'Well, I believe in equity and excellence. The patient should be at the heart of the decision-making process and I will provide real choice in a forward-moving agenda.'

'What does that mean?'

'I'm not exactly sure but it's written in my introduction.'

'I think everyone watching at home would like to know what you're really all about, what makes you tick?'

'Let me put it this way. The thing is there isn't any money, it's all gone. I was looking round for it the other day and all I found was a couple of quid down the back of the sofa and this half eaten chocolate biscuit. If you haven't got any money you can't commission decent services. And if the service is poor who do people look to blame? Why, the people who control the purse strings of course. So I'm a political coup de grace, an intelligent way of devolving responsibility and making sure that GPs get the blame when the sh*t really hits the fan. And let me tell you, the economic analysts say it's all gonna go Greek.'

'Interesting, I hope you agree ladies and gentleman. But what does the future hold?'

'Well, I sure don't want to see out my retirement propping open a door at Westminster. I want to inspire many more white papers to take up my ideas and do even more with them. I like to see myself as the first footprint on the white sand of the future. In fact, I'm writing a book about it.'

'Really? What's it called?'

'Dangerous Times: Black Ink on White Paper.'

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr