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GPs? They deserve a life of pain

Our surreal new blogger explores a grim future of revalidation, continual surveillance and e-learning credits stashed in lead bunkers

In a recent BBC interview Professor Candid discusses his views on revalidation. 'The revalidation system, if properly accredited and regulated gives us a really good way of ensuring continuing and enduring quality in the NHS.

'I have to say, despite talk of remediation and the initial scepticism of the BMA I am now pro-revalidation. As a former chair of the review panel I have known about these plans for several years and I've been able to prepare myself for the future.

'I've dug out a lead lined bunker in my back yard and filled it full of tinned soup and I've printed myself out heaps of e-learning credits, certificates and forged attendances at GP update courses just to keep ahead of the game. I reckon that I've got enough evidence to keep me going for 60 years and the way things are headed with the economy I reckon it should be just about long enough to see me through to retirement.'

Professor Candid went on to explain: 'The work of GPs must become more controlled and more tightly regulated in order to expunge the more, shall we say, independently minded amongst us.

'I firmly believe that the home lives of GPs should be about forms and paper work, not laughter and children. In fact I'm making strong moves to insert web cams into GP's homes to keep an even closer eye on them.

'For example, if a GP uses a verified anatomical term during lovemaking such as "labia majora" then they will earn themselves half a credit for keeping up to speed with clinical anatomy.

'I accept that we still have a long way to go to command the support of the profession but as with any other oppressive and secretive organisation it's all in the presentation. If we keep repeating the mantras "if you have nothing to hide then you have nothing to fear" and that "only 2% might need their records looked at" we hope to secure greater acceptance.'

When asked what effect all this would have on a GP's privacy he said: 'Nowadays a GP's prescribing habits, favourite web pages, e-learning, attendances and evidence of keeping up to date are logged and scrutinised. I personally believe that in order to maintain a feeling of freedom and balance it's vital to have a hobby.

'I for example have taken up parkour or free running. At the weekend I'm going to do my signature move of throwing myself off Bexley car park onto a telegraph pole'.

At the end of the piece there were reactions from members of the general public. A housewife and pro-government lay-spokeswoman from Chorley said: 'To be honest f**k these GP's, I had to wait three months to have my in-growing toenail removed and they misdiagnosed Chardonnay's tonsillitis and she ended up having to have antibiotics, look at her little face, she couldn't eat her favourite burgers for a whole week, they deserve a life of f****ing pain.'

This blog post is a response to: Revalidation 'less threatening' than feared says GPC

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.

Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr Through the K hole - credit HaPe Gera, Flickr