‘I’ve superglued my stapler to the desk’

Pulse's surreal blog 'Through the K hole' meets some decidedly demob-happy PCT staff

The publication of the government's white paper in July has had a demoralising impact on the staff who currently work within the existing PCT and SHA structures.

Speaking from a local area commissioners' office, Geoff Hardbloom said: 'Only a few months ago, I was focusing on co-ordinating information analysis and securing high quality services to meet the needs of our population within allocated local resources. But since the publication of the white paper we've all felt a little deflated. I'm just talking straight off the top of my head here but it seems to me that my only qualification is knowing everything there is to know about commissioning services, and I don't think a salaried doctor with an interest in medicine of all things is going to be able to satisfactorily fill that role.'

'To be honest, most of us were just sitting tight and biding our time - but then we decided on a novel course of action which I can wholeheartedly recommend to all PCTs. Steve, bless him, a fairly unassuming guy who works at HQ, brought in an enormous sack of weed and a job lot of special tablets that he got during a fact-finding mission in eastern Europe. Since then it's been a non-stop PCT partay... and yes I did mean to say partaaaay.'

'I brought in my son's ragga collection and we've been royally smacked off our tits ever since. I can now throw some crazy shapes to "Under me Sleng Teng".'

He went on to say that: 'The atmosphere at the PCT has completely changed. I used to ask questions like "should we be made more locally accountable?". But now I ask things like "has anyone remembered to buy the king-size Mars bars?". We've sold off all the office furniture and replaced them with comfy floor cushions and crystals and sh*t and now we spend our days just groovin' to da riddim.'

Tony said: 'As NHS management, we understand the tensions between supply and demand, but thanks to Steve we're not going to run out of this sh*t anytime soon. I've set my email to automatically reply "Ask someone who gives a f**k" to anyone interested in the work of the PCT.'

Jeanette, a plump lady from Accounts, added: 'We used to be at the centre of the NHS, controlling 80% of the NHS budget. But now after dropping some of Geoff's tablets I realise that I'm actually at the centre of an enormous pool of cosmic love which is shaped a bit like a cat... and right now you're floating effortlessly towards its bum hole.'

Mike, on a downer, sipping cold coffee from a soup bowl with a bas**rd behind the eyes, said: 'This is a form of terrorism - pointless restructuring on this scale could only happen in two places, ancient Rome and modern Britain. And do I have to remind you that Britain is a country that elevated the evil twins Jedward to celebrity status and thinks that frozen fish sticks is actually a form of food suitable for children.'

'I have a message to the GPs who think they can just waltz in and start commissioning services as well as us... I've superglued my stapler to the desk and we haven't changed the toner in the photocopier for months. Put that in your pipe and smoke it!'

As the rare purple smoke clears, the new commissioners will no doubt have to spend their first few days in office mopping up the pieces.

Written in response to: Low morale is understandable... but PCT staff cant just give up Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.