A Croydon-based super-computer has said sorry for using inaccurate data in its calculations and promises it will never happen again.
‘I was tasked by the CQC to put practices into six different categories,’ explains the computer. ‘This sort of thing is bread and butter work for me.
‘I amalgamated data sets from lots of different sources and I thought I’d done a splendid job.
‘By Friday afternoon I’d made a pie chart and was whiling away the hours playing minesweeper and looking for a cheap holiday in Croatia, but then someone pointed out that I’d arsed it all up. I couldn’t believe it.’
The computer, which previously processed invoices for a furniture store, has been offered an early retirement package from the CQC but is still keeping its options open.
‘It’s a sad day,’ admits the computer, ‘but on reflection I really don’t want to spend the rest of my life number-crunching for the CQC.
‘What I really want is to have my naked body teleported to an out-of-town biker bar so that I can wander in and terrify the locals with my pump action shotgun and leather pants.’
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.