This site is intended for health professionals only

Buckfast and heroin will attract new GPs, says Scottish Government

Holyrood has been forced to have a bit of a rethink after its multimillion-pound GP recruitment and retention programme attracted only 18 new GPs in the two years since its launch.

‘The glossy advertising and expensive campaigns promising a healthy out-door life full of hill walking just hasn’t worked,’ admitted a senior Scottish MP.

‘So we hit on the idea of providing a years’ worth of free heroin and as much Buckfast as you can drink. I mean if you’re going to live in windswept Ayrshire, or move into a curtainless flat in Coatbridge or rent a previously boarded up council house in Kircaldy then you’re either on gear already or you soon will be.’

‘We’re confident,’ continued the Scottish minister ‘that the new drug-based initiative will entice many more GPs into Scotland. We were going to offer free butteries as well, but then thought better of it.’

For those of you who don’t know, a buttery is a kind of inedible roll.

The minister then added: ‘There’s a shite load o’ smack an’ Buckie waitin’ fer ya, we’ll even throw in a year’s membership at the Time Capsule. And by the way yer maw’s git balls n yer da’ loves it.’

That last bit, about the Time Capsule, and your mother having balls, can only be comprehended by the fine people of Scotland.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen