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A giant spider is going to be in charge of the NHS

An absolutely massive f*ck off spider which has grown to the size of a Vauxhall Astra is going to be put in charge of healthcare, it has emerged.

The spider, who likes to be called Shelob (because Lord of the Rings is her favourite book) has thick legs bristling with hair, lots of menacing eye balls and has been found sheltering in the basement at Westminster living mainly off curious tourists. The spider, despite her obvious shortcomings, is thought to be a safe pair of hands for the NHS.

We caught up with Shelob in her lair. She said: ’When I’m not weaving silken nightmares and slowly siphoning off luke-warm juices from one of my paralysed, silently screaming victims, I enjoy perusing the works of Francis Bacon in my local gallery and busying myself here in my dank basement designing strategies for the future of British healthcare.’

‘Look at it this way,’ she added, ‘It’s either me or Jeremy Hunt. And I wouldn’t go anywhere near that creepy f*cker without a hoover and a rolled up newspaper.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh