Dear Sirs in charge of healthcare,
I am writing to you again as you didn’t reply to my last letter, which is a shame because I had to pay for a stamp. Before reading on please remember not to treat my dreams like a defenceless kitten and try not throw them onto the cruel rocks of fate (my dreams I mean, not the kitten).
Over recent months I’ve watched with a growing sense of unease at how difficult it has been for you to keep doctors in the country. They all seem to be leaving and Pulse recently reported that 40% of them have vanished. Don’t worry though as these things have an odd way of reappearing. Last week when I was cleaning out the cupboards I found some marbles which I never knew I had and a jar of unusual honey. Strange as I don’t even keep bees.
But I digress. For the past 20 years I have spent my spare time creating mascots for various public institutions. My wife thinks this is a little strange but between you and me she doesn’t know the first thing about mascoteering.
He’s a golden stethoscope called ‘Tube-y’ who gets into all sorts of scrapes
My track record includes ‘Li-Ping Bang Ping-Li’ a pair of psychedelic super-twins based on Burke and Hare which I designed for the Japanese netball team. The Japanese delegate herself came up to me and said ‘Mr Strugatsky, Sir you are mad,’ which is Japanese for ‘Mr Strugatsky Sir you are excellent.’
Closer to home I developed ‘Mr Crumbles: The cigar smoking hedgehog with the flammable paws’, who hit the headlines after his suit caught fire at a local fundraiser.
I also designed a mascot for the Shoreditch under-12s football team called ‘The Night Stalker’, a relentless psychopath with hooks for hands and completely white eyeballs who lives under the bed and invades the dreams of the opposing team.
As you can see, I’m passionate about mascots. And what I think the medical profession needs most right now is a mascot.
As luck would have it I’ve created one! He’s a golden stethoscope called ‘Tube-y’ who gets into all sorts of scrapes. His catch phrase is ‘Auscultate this!’ and he zaps disease with goo that comes out of one of his tubes.
I think it will appeal to the younger generation, in particular those well-educated youngsters among us who wish to go to university.
If you are interested in the idea I have enclosed an invoice. The money will help me create a functioning model of Tube-y (with goo) which than can be paraded around at school events to drum up interest.
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh