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A new brain for the government thinktank

“We’d run out of really terrible ideas, so we decided to ask Mr Nibbles,” said the Department of Health.

Mr Nibbles, a fairly ordinary cat living under a fairly ordinary shed in Basingstoke says: "To be honest with you I was quite surprised when I was invited to participate in a government thinktank. There I was, quite content puking up fur balls and shitting all over the neighbours garden when I was cordially invited to give my opinion about the Carr-Hill formula."

"It was obvious to me that practices full of scummers, the type you see in the park picking fleas off themselves, need a lot more money than posh practices full of Abyssinian cat owners. I base this assessment on no evidence whatsoever, but I am adept at telling Sheeba from Whiskas so there!"

It seems that Mr Nibbles’ complete stab in the dark over practice funding has been taken very seriously and parliament are now happy to pour millions into socially deprived practices on the whim of a badly groomed cat.

Mr Nibbles was unavailable for further comment but his concerned owners, Sue and John, were:

"He was a rescue cat and used to be so loving, didn’t he John? He’d bring back the chewed remains of a mouse and leave loving little puddles of piss around the house, but then he got into politics. We were so worried about his parliamentary antics that we ended up taking him to the vets to have his clackers cut off."

Unphased by this, the Department of Health now plans to consult Samantha, a Syrian hamster who loves seeds but hates humanity.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen