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Boris’s evil hair ‘responsible for ludicrous promises’

Boris Johnson’s hair is a power-hungry megalomaniac, which demands to be called Sir Pfeffel, it has emerged.

Ever since it helped him become Prime Minister, Boris Johnson’s hair has become a symbol of political power, but his chucklesome schoolboy weave has a much darker side.

‘Last week’ says a visibly shaken MP, ‘I nipped into Boris’ office to have a chat, but, to my horror, he was without his hair. He was slumped across his desk with his eyes rolled up into the back of his head, and the top of his skull looked like a moist walnut. It wasn’t a pretty sight’.

Promising all sorts of ludicrous things, when most NHS terminals still use Windows 95

‘Meanwhile, his hair was in the back room busy writing angry letters to foreign leaders on an old-fashioned typewriter. When it spotted me, it screamed at me and demanded that I refill its pipe and address it as Sir Pfeffel.’

It’s believed that the evil hair-do has taken over Boris’ brain, making him promise all sorts of ludicrous things, like spending £250m on artificial intelligence when most NHS terminals still use Windows 95, and £1.8b on repairing crumbling hospitals in order to reduce GP waiting times.

‘Without the hair’, admits the MP ‘he wouldn’t be able to get away with such ridiculous statements about the NHS, let alone put them on the side of a bus. But that’s not the worst of it. Apparently Jeremy Corbyn’s beard sings Marxist lullabies, and Nicola Sturgeon sports an angry mind-controlling merkin called Little Jimmy’.

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Australia who previously practised in Glasgow and Aberdeen