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Catch yourself a GP

Dear Editor,

I hope you’re well. You’ve probably heard of me before: I’m an inventor and over the years I’ve invented many things that you might see dotted around a modern flat, including the vinyl record player, the cocktail glass and the cigarette holder.

Ever since my wife developed a dicky thyroid, though, I’ve taken an unusually healthy interest in ill health and I’m delighted to say that I’ve been perusing the pages of your fine publication for years.

My circumstances are these. Ever since my wife developed this bother with her thyroid she’s had it in for doctors. She’s convinced that by using so-called medicine and science her symptoms have got worse. In fact she’s convinced that she started to feel better only after drinking the sweet magical waters blessed by none other than His Holiness Prince Charles.

Pressured by my wife’s insane mistrust – nay hatred – of doctors, I have been compelled to put my creative talents to work and have invented: X-Docs.

Set X-Docs up in your loft, cover it in leaves (preferably autumnal), bait the plate with money or honeyed cakes and wait for a GP to come scurrying along. And then – whack!!

I’d like to reassure you that it’s a very humane device, the wayward GP can be safely let out the back door or incinerated in a furnace, depending on your preference (and access to a furnace).

I did my first test run at the weekend and all in all it was a success. The device held out well.   

Nigel, this is where you come in. I need Pulse to endorse my contraption, calling it the best ‘doctor trapper’ ever. You’re good with words so I’m sure you can think up something catchy. I want a little stall flogging the device at the next Pulse Live. I’ve even had posters printed and some pens commissioned with your face on them.

I look forward to your enthusiastic endorsement so that all that lovely money can start rolling in.

Yours sincerely,

Mr Strugatsky

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.