Professor Candid and his team of researchers have confirmed that children are still little shits even when they haven’t got any sugar in them.
‘We divided our group of five year olds into two groups,’ explains Prof, ‘one with sugared soft drinks and the other without. The sugarless group still refused to put on their socks, still demanded to go to the toilet just before leaving the house and still insisted on watching Scooby-Doo 317 times.’
We spoke to Lily, a five-year-old hater from Croydon: ‘I behave like a bucket of mental on purpose, view it as a protest against the unfair indoctrinating values of society. If I want to put my mum’s bra on my head and jump off the washing basket onto the dog I will. I don’t need a can of coke for that.’
‘Besides,’ Lily went on to explain, ‘f*ck Osborne and his soft drinks, if I want sugar there’s something called jam.’
Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Edinburgh