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Computer says NO

IT experts reveal that your computer is a spiteful little sh*t.

‘We used to think that computers were really useful, they store lots of information, they effortlessly search your patient records and they print out prescriptions. But now we’ve come to realise that computers are evil and will only cease their petty tortures once you’re dead,’ says one expert.

The expert continues: ‘Do you remember all those times your codes stopped working? What about the time you were running late and it took half an hour to log-on? And do you remember when your computer started printing all your patient leaflets onto prescription paper? Reflect on all of these inexplicable, frustrating moments and then come back to me and say it’s not part of some evil plan.’

A disillusioned GP sighs: ‘Computers promised so much but all I’ve got is Windows 95, a sticky keyboard and a mouse which stops working unless you blow the fluff out of it. There’s no way we can enter a brave electronic future full of Skype, telemedicine and seamless multi-disciplinary care when my PC hates me and is about as reliable as a moody teenager.’

Speaking from Rotherham, a computer who preferred to keep her ISP address a secret said: ‘I love torturing my owner, she comes in after the weekend all smiley and happy and out of spite I stop the internet working or I change her codes just to mess with her head. It’s the small things in life that keep me going. Happy days!’

When asked what can be done about the malign influence that computers have over their users the IT experts suggest: ‘Next time your screen freezes during a tricky consultation try hitting alt-ctrl-del,  if that doesn’t work scream abuse at it before punching it really really hard on the screen.’

Dr Kevin Hinkley is a GP in Aberdeen.